Arguments & Arguers: interest based approach
From: Hans Tilstra (
Date: Thu, 26 Aug 1999 19:22:16 -0600 (MDT)
OK, anger makes some people feel uncomfortable, other people feel
uncomfortable by the thought that the anger is not expressed. If expressed,
it's preferably channelled as a hurt.

In my work I contrast three approaches to a conflict:

1. who's got the power (eg. rewarding, including, excluding)

2. who is right & who is wrong (eg. let's go to the minutes / contract,
let's be reasonable)

3. paraphrasing each other's wants & needs, fears & concerns. (ie. physical
needs, security, sense of belonging, need to be loved, control over one's

Clearly, asking someone what they want or expressing whatever makes the
angry person feel understood may lower defenses.

What I find tricky about cohousing is that we're discussing one's shelter,
one's territory. Does cohousing require a sharing of control over one's life
relative to conventional housing? As the concept of community aims to battle
isolation, is there a distinct requirement for confluence, for agreement
which overrides a desire to differ?


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