Re: Consequences of behavior: Arguments and Arguing | <– Date –> <– Thread –> |
From: WOLF1GDSFM (WOLF1GDSFMaol.com) | |
Date: Sat, 28 Aug 1999 10:13:15 -0600 (MDT) |
Example from R. Sandelin's post: << For example, If I hear one neighbor shout at another: SHUT UP YOU A*HOLE YOU DON"T HAVE A F*ING CLUE It would have a consequence on my reaction to that person in the future, eg, I don't ever want to be yelled at like that so I will start distancing myself from that person. >> My reaction to the all caps sentence was different. That sort of communication is familiar to me, and, although it contains objectionable words and tone, for other reasons, which I will try to explain, I am not as put off by it. We've had people at places where I used to work who used such means of expression. I've usually ended up liking these people, because I knew exactly where they stood. They would have their say, and that would clue me in to what they thought. It was flare up and cool down, both fairly fast. Then, after the cool down, which was ususally pretty quick, I could talk to them about whatever the issues were, because I knew the issues were there. Other behaviors are much harder for me to handle. One is the person who is always nice to my face, never says anything at all objectionable or raises his/her voice, always helps and is courteous. But then I notice that I am being "helped" in ways I don't want, or that there is a wall with this person that I can't get past. In these difficult cases I never really know where I stand, but little clues keep coming out that tell me that this person doesn't approve of something, a nebulous something that has to do with me. Give me the person who calls me a f*cking a*hole rather than this. At least I can come back later and say, "you know it really hurt when you called me a f*cking a*hole." We can deal with it because it is very obvious that there is something there. Yes, it's very hard, I won't minimize that. But it is nearly impossible to deal with someone who is always nice, but gives little clues of displeasure. I come forth and ask if something's wrong, and a vague answer is likely, "Oh, no, nothing," but then the distancing, side comments, hints, and subtle disturbing behaviors continue. These are the folks I'm more likely to end up avoiding. I admit, I have done both types of behavior myself, although I don't think that I am often very good at being subtle. Conflict is difficult for me, and I tend to avoid it. But then I notice that little is happening, so I go forth again, encounter conflict, and try to muddle through. I like openness, and, at least, someone who is calling me an objectionable name is being open. Jan Ankney wolf1gdsfm [at] aol.com Ann Arbor, Michigan
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Re: Consequences of behavior: Arguments and Arguing WOLF1GDSFM, August 28 1999
- RE: Consequences of behavior: Arguments and Arguing Rob Sandelin, August 31 1999
- Re: Consequences of behavior: Arguments and Arguing Diane Margolis, September 1 1999
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