Re: Consequences of behavior: Arguments and Arguing
Date: Sat, 28 Aug 1999 10:13:15 -0600 (MDT)
Example from R. Sandelin's post:

<< For example, If I hear one neighbor shout at another:
 It would have a consequence on my reaction to that person in the future, eg,
 I don't ever want to be yelled at like that so I will start distancing
 myself from that person. >>

My reaction to the all caps sentence was different.  That sort of 
communication is familiar to me, and, although it contains objectionable 
words and tone, for other reasons, which I will try to explain, I am not as 
put off by it.

We've had people at places where I used to work who used such means of 
expression.  I've usually ended up liking these people, because I knew 
exactly where they stood.  They would have their say, and that would clue me 
in to what they thought.  It was flare up and cool down, both fairly fast.  
Then, after the cool down, which was ususally pretty quick, I could talk to 
them about whatever the issues were, because I knew the issues were there.  

Other behaviors are much harder for me to handle.  One is the person who is 
always nice to my face, never says anything at all objectionable or raises 
his/her voice, always helps and is courteous.  But then I notice that I am 
being "helped" in ways I don't want, or that there is a wall with this person 
that I can't get past.  In these difficult cases I never really know where I 
stand, but little clues keep coming out that tell me that this person doesn't 
approve of something, a nebulous something that has to do with me.  Give me 
the person who calls me a f*cking a*hole rather than this.  At least I can 
come back later and say, "you know it really hurt when you called me a 
f*cking a*hole."  We can deal with it because it is very obvious that there 
is something there.  Yes, it's very hard, I won't minimize that.  But it is 
nearly impossible to deal with someone who is always nice, but gives little 
clues of displeasure.  I come forth and ask if something's wrong, and a vague 
answer is likely, "Oh, no, nothing," but then the distancing, side comments, 
hints, and subtle disturbing behaviors continue.  These are the folks I'm 
more likely to end up avoiding.

I admit, I have done both types of behavior myself, although I don't think 
that I am often very good at being subtle.  Conflict is difficult for me, and 
I tend to avoid it.  But then I notice that little is happening, so I go 
forth again, encounter conflict, and try to muddle through.  I like openness, 
and, at least, someone who is calling me an objectionable name is being open.

Jan Ankney
wolf1gdsfm [at]
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Results generated by Tiger Technologies Web hosting using MHonArc.