RE: Styles of Communication when times are stressful
From: Rowenahc (rowenahccs.com)
Date: Sun, 26 Nov 2000 07:29:12 -0700 (MST)



This is a common reality with people, they operate under the unquestioned
assumption that everyone is kind of like me, thus I should expect  from them
what I could expect from myself.  This is described by Robert Nozik as
"foundational thinking" in that you don't even question it, it is just the
way you operate in the world.

Obviously if you want closer relationships within the community, it is an
easy step then to assume that if other  people  don't want the same thing,
there is something wrong with them, or with the community as a whole.

The intimacy level, and desire  for intimacy  will vary greatly in
cohousing. This seems pretty normal from my perspective and I have learned
the obvious: You can't force it on people that don't want it. There can also
be a gender gap. Holding a women's circle  and men's circle is one way to
find support on either  side of the gap. There are often folks who would
much rather do hard physical labor, like  digging  ditches, than talk about
their feelings. This is OK and is part of the balance of life in a large
community.

I have found a good course of action is to identify what makes yourself
happy, and then put your energy into making that happen. If  closer ties or
community building is what you want, setup your own sharing circle in your
house and let those that participate follow the path that it created. It
seems to work well to hold at least three  such events in sequence on a
recurring time pattern to let those that really want it to rearrange their
schedules in order to participate. So if you do just one, and only a few
people attend, it may be the second time many more will attend as they
adjust  their schedules to make room for it.

When you hold expectations of other people, you need to be able to look at
yourself in the mirror very honestly and check to see if you are reflecting
your own ego or needs upon  other people without their consent. If you are
very self  honest, and do this check, and the answer is no,  it is a
reasonable community expectation that x,y and z happen, then you are in a
good place to ask the community to honor it. But beware  of your own biases
based  upon how you think the community should be operating.




 we cut back to every other week meetings.  Then we cut
back to 3 hour meetings and now we are down to 2-hour meetings every other
week.

Business meetings should be quite short for all the reasons others
metnioned.  The real time should be put into committee work so that by the
time a formal proposal is presented to the meeting a lot of thought has
already gone into it.    If you have an email list, it can be very helpful
in circulating ideas, getting feedback and identifying the sticky issues for
further focus.

    Maybe I'm wrong, but 4 hours together a month (only 4 months into living
together) as a community doesn't seem like a lot of time...

I don't know how large your community is but trying to get everyone together
to share extended time on a regular basis is probably more than can be
acheived.   It all sounds very stressful.  Rather than concentrating on
getting everyone together try and arrange things that will bring together
those with like interests that are not necessarily to do with cohousing.  As
people get to know each other around enjoyable activities they will be
better able to trust each other to get the business of the group done.  I
think our most important committee is the "Events" committee which arranges
everything from pumpkin carving to hikes and camp outs to concerts, contra
dances, poetry readings, Monopoly by the Fire on Fridays, and everything
else you can think of!  In my opinion, these events where people are having
a good time do more to build community than all the facilitated discussions
or structured circles you can think of.


    I'm frustrated because we're spending time on the superficial, business
stuff....and ignoring the infinitely more difficult and more important
interpersonal stuff.  I'm scared that we will fall apart on the inside while

our outsides finally get finished!

I recall when our building got delayed and some of us lived for six months
in our friends' spare room, or a two room apartment or some such miserable
arrangement with all our belongings in storage!   It was not a good time for
community building!   Even after we moved in we were all focussed on
unpacking, fixing goofs in our own units and so on.  No one had the time or
energy for community building.   It took almost a year for everyone to move
in and resentments and fear to subside and we then had a dedication ceremony
with drums, burning herbs, processions, speeches/prayers, the whole nine
yards, intended to put closure to the trials of construction and allow us to
move on.  It's now two and a half years since we moved in (plus or minus)
and for the most part we have become a community.  So give it time and
realize that until things settle down people will tend to be more focussed
on the outside than the inside.  And there will probably be a couple of
people who just wanted a "safe" place to live who will never become an
integral part of the community.

As Rob said, people have different needs for intimacy and for working things
out in the group.  We had one situation where we heard that "everyone"
needed to have special meetings to work it out.  It turned out that there
were perhaps half a dozen people who felt this need in differing degrees -
but for them it was a genuine need and having a couple of meetings devoted
to the issue enabled them to bring it to closure.  Of course, such meetings
need to be carefully monitored since they are potentially more damaging to
relationships than doing nothing - sometimes things get said that can never
be forgotten.   For some people who are able to get mad, speak their mind
and then just move on, such meetings are perceived as unnecessary and merely
dragging things out!  Both types of personality can and should be
accomodated - different strokes for different folks. Being in a cohousing
community does not imply that every resident must follow the same path or
arrive at the same place.   That's one of the attractions of cohousing for
many people - community without conformity to a predetermined Way. You may
want to have separate meetings to process personal issues and invite those
who are concerned to participate.  I assume you have someone who can lead
this kind of discussion which needs to be carefully structured?

So, my advice would be to accept that people will react differently to group
demands.  In every group there are "process" people and "project" people,
and you need them both at different times for different purposes.   Over
time, each group will learn from the other and the result will be
improvement in each approach, leading to "progress"!

Good luck
Rowenahc
CambridgeCohousing

March




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