Re: Giving or Taking
From: Elizabeth Stevenson (tamgoddesshome.com)
Date: Mon, 1 Oct 2001 23:20:02 -0600 (MDT)
We have always had a policy of paying for childcare, although we are at a
point where we don't have alot of kids in childcare sometimes, and we don't
hire a sitter. 

This reminds me of a story I remember(also vaguely!) An American in France
was complaining that he should be getting better service or whatever,
because the US had helped France so much during the war. The French person's
reply was "nobody wants to be grateful forever."

As a parent, I can feel when others are getting fed up with the extra effort
it takes to raise my child in this particular village. I don't want to feel
grateful. I want to feel accepted. It sounds like your parents are worried
that change is in the air, and are getting ready for an argument. We get
defensive when people complain about the cost of our kids. After all, these
are the people who are going to be paying into everybody's retirement(SSA).
We need to make the investment in them now.

If you're paying for it anyway, why is it not in the budget? Are the
children not important now that you've moved in? Decide whether it is a
priority or not, and budget accordingly. The parents don't want to go
begging. I suspect that's why some of them are willing to forgo the group
paying. At least they'd have their dignity.

I hope this addresses your question.

-- 
Liz Stevenson
Southside Park Cohousing
Sacramento California

http://members.home.net/southsideparkcohousing/
tamgoddess [at] home.com

> From: Becky Schaller <bschaller [at] theriver.com>
> Reply-To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
> Date: Mon, 01 Oct 2001 18:35:46 -0700
> To: <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
> Subject: [C-L]_Giving or Taking
> 
> I'm finding myself in a strange situation and I'd like to hear how others
> have dealt with similar situations.  As you read this message, it may look
> like an issue about whether a community should pay for child care or not.
> Although I have no control over how people may respond to this, I do want to
> make it clear that that is not the issue I'd like addressed.
> 
> What I'm asking for is people's experience in being willing to give someone
> something until it's demanded that you give that same thing to them.
> 
> We are discussing whether or not the community should continue to pay for
> child care during general meetings. We did when we were in the planning and
> building stages.  We've continued to do so after moving in.  However, we
> didn't budget for it in the HOA.
> 
> Several months ago we discussed this issue.  It was such an easy issue then.
> People who weren't parents were wanting to contribute and many parents
> thought it was their responsibility to do so but were delighted that so many
> people wanted to contribute.   We were just getting a feel for what people
> thought at that point and we did not make any decision.
> 
> Since then, I'm not exactly sure what happened.  Well, one thing that
> happened is that we now owe the HOA about $800 since we've been paying for
> child care out of the HOA and there is no budget item for child care at this
> point.
> 
> When we discussed the issue several months ago, I was happy to contribute.
> Like I said, many others were also.  But since then, I've heard some parents
> talking like the community should be paying for childcare during meetings.
> 
> And I've noticed that several of us have responded to these commnets in a
> way I hadn't previously thought of.  While we're more than willing to
> contribute money, we don't want people to demand it of us.
> 
> One man, who does not have children, even put out an email clearly stating
> that while he wanted to contribute to child care costs,  he was also wanting
> a sense of appreciation from the parents instead of a sense of entitlement.
> I clearly hear that from some parents, but I also continue to hear other
> parents talk about child care during meetings as their right.
> 
> The difference may seem subtle, but for me it's about giving the money
> because this is something I choose to do or giving the money because I'm
> irresponsible or even bad if I don't.
> 
> I don't remember the scene very well. But I think about the scene in Les
> Miserables where the police return to the priest's house with the thief.
> They asked if the silver which the thief had taken had belonged to the
> priest.  I don't remember exactly what the priest said, but to the thief, he
> did say something like, "You forgot these.  These also belong to you."  And
> the priest gave the thief the priest's sterling candlesticks.
> 
> Vague as my memory is, I have thought about that scene a lot.  My conclusion
> is that that priest is much more enlightened than I am.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm really not asking for advice about whether the community should be
> paying for child care.  What I'm asking for is people's advice or experience
> in being willing to give someone something until they demand that you give
> that same thing to them.  I can't help but think this dynamic has come up in
> other communities and will come up again in ours.
> 
> Becky Schaller
> Sonora Cohousing
> Tucson, AZ
> 
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