|As others see us||<– Date –> <– Thread –>|
|From: Lynn Nadeau (welcomeolympus.net)|
|Date: Sat, 1 Dec 2001 01:19:04 -0700 (MST)|
>One thing that I find helpful is to not tell anyone what I think of them or >how they make me feel, but to figure out why they are behaving the way they >are. I too am highly motivated to see things get done, and full of "helpful" comments and organizing skills, and also have had to cope with not always having my help be appreciated. It IS useful to notice the patterns in other people's reactions. One member must have been criticized by their mother for every breath they took, because a vast range of other people's actions are taken, with upset, as criticism. Once something like that is noticed, I need to guard against totally pinning the problem on the other person, though. For one thing, once I know where a person's hot buttons are, I should have sense enough to steer clear of those sensitive spots. And I need to also be willing to look at whether other people also give me a similar message somehow. It has been useful in my interactions with the group to let them know, explicitly, that I am making a conscious effort to change certain behaviors. And also to share my own perception of those behaviors. Some people had pegged me (one of those reputations from ten years ago) as an indiscriminate talker in meetings. They were surprised to hear me say things like - for the past year I have come to monthly meetings with 5 marbles in one of my two side pockets. Each time I share an opinion or analysis of a situation, I switch a marble to my other pocket. I need to debate with myself how to "spend" my marbles, sometimes deciding to wait and see if someone else would raise the same issue, so I could speak on something different. - I often make a conscious effort to speak last when we have a group discussion of something, because I have often thought out, usually written out, much more of an analysis that most other people have prepared, but don't want to take away the participation of others. I wait, and only share the items that nobody else noted. - I sometimes get very frustrated that other people do NOT talk more - like they expect me to do all the verbal "work". I wish they'd attend to the details, explore the impacts, etc, and be generally more vigorous about moving us forward. Such comments added perspectives that hadn't occured to those who simply assumed that I babbled at random! So not only do I try to understand why others do what they do, but assist them in learning the same about me. Lynn Nadeau, RoseWind Cohousing Port Townsend Washington (Victorian seaport, music, art, nature) http://www.rosewind.org http://www.ptguide.com _______________________________________________ Cohousing-L mailing list Cohousing-L [at] cohousing.org Unsubscribe and other info: http://www.communityforum.net/mailman/listinfo/cohousing-l
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