|Getting needs met!||<– Date –> <– Thread –>|
|From: Gary Kent (garykentuniserve.com)|
|Date: Thu, 18 Apr 2002 15:25:04 -0600 (MDT)|
From: Stacia Leech, Roberts Creek Cohousing, B.C. Canada. Trina Rotskoff wrote: <They are an opportunity to help the speaker get his or her needs met. Even if an "outburst" is directed toward me, if I am listening for the needs I don't hear an "attack." I see a gift, an opportunity to connect with the speaker and help them get their needs met. When that need can be brought out, it can be added to the list of needs that we intend the solution to meet.> I'm also finding this 'outbursts' thread interesting. I wondering where people see the issue of personal responsibility regarding getting ones needs met and outbursts? We had a discussion about the concept of 'helping people get their needs met' at our last consensus training workshop. At a point in the discussion the facilitator brought us back to the intention of our cohousing group. She asked: "What does the group exist to do? What is the "intent" of the group? We answered: 'To Create a neighbourhood. To work collaboratively on a set of shared issues relating to housing.' It became clear that we do not exist and it is not our intent to meet the emotional needs of individual group members. In my experience with groups, outbursts are often/usually in response to some old, deep (unconscious) wounding or negative core belief that has been triggered by something or someone in the group. This is one of the reasons why some therapy is done in groups, sooner or later someone's core issues will be triggered and come bubbling up to the surface to be dealt with (or not). And, in my experience when someone blurts out "I'm sick and tired of the way you are always defending that *&^%$#" they are expressing an emotional need. The 'need' may be two or three years of depth psychotherapy! I realise that this is a complex issue and that Non Violent Communication is probably talking about meeting the persons need in the immediate moment. And that for our species to thrive and not just survive some shift is necessary. Still I have some concern about the imbalance of care givers and care takers and my belief is that the shift will have to include more personal responsibility in all aspects of life including meeting our own emotional needs. Also in my experience the consensus process requires a fairly high level of self awareness in order for it to be truly of benefit to the group, people who would be willing to ask - what can I do for the group - not - what can the group do for me? We may believe that we are behaving in a way that benefits the group when we have an outburst, ("the others just sit there and say nothing, thank goodness I'm the one who always speaks out" kind of thinking). However, as Rob says, Cohousing groups attract the occasional dysfunctional person and if I thought that as a member of the group I would be responsible for meeting that persons needs I'd be outta there tomorrow. It's taken me many painful (sometimes joyful) hours (years) of hard work to even begin to look with honesty at my own issues and negative core beliefs. I'm hoping that we can all at least pause for thought before we 'outburst'. Stacia Leech Roberts Creek Cohousing, British Columbia. _______________________________________________ Cohousing-L mailing list Cohousing-L [at] cohousing.org Unsubscribe and other info: http://www.communityforum.net/mailman/listinfo/cohousing-l
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