Re: Private vs Community Issues (Abuse, Alcoholism, etc.)
From: Becky Schaller (bschallertheriver.com)
Date: Mon, 5 Aug 2002 13:29:02 -0600 (MDT)
Our community is now in the process of also trying to get some ideas
about how to respond when serious issues such as alcoholism or abuse might
come up in the community.  I did a search in the archives and found these
two postings by Shari and Rob from  May/June 1999.  Now, three years later;
I have some follow up  questions.

1. I did not find that any communities had guidelines in 1999 for such
occasions.  Does anyone have any guidelines at this point?  If so, would
you share them with us?  Or suggestions for guidelines?

2.  I understand that triangulation is when two people are in conflict
and one or both parties tries to draw in support from one or more third
parties.  Is that right?

3.  Rob, you talk about healthy talk and unhealthy talk.  I'm wondering
how this relates to  Non-violent Communication which some of us are trying
to learn more about.  My intuition tells me that Non-violent Communication
could be very helpful.   But I'm having trouble visualizing what it would
actually look like in such a situation.

4.  Rob, you also mentioned that communities need to have a list of
tools they can use for such situations.  Would you specifically name what
some of those tools might be?  I'm thinking that perhaps we could begin to
see if we have members trained in some of the tools and perhaps begin to get
trained in others.

I appreciate any help you can give me.
Becky Schaller


> Private vs Community Issues (Abuse, Alcoholism, etc.)

> At Lake Claire Cohousing in Atlanta we are starting to have
> discussions of
> when serious issues, such as abuse or alcoholism, are private family
> matters and when they are community issues, possibly calling for
> intervention by the cohousing community. Ideally, we'd like to have
some
> guidelines in place as to where to draw the line before we have an
> actual
> situation to deal with. Of course, we've dealt with the privacy vs
> community question numerous times in the 2+ years since move-in, but
> it's
> always been about less serious issues.
> 
> So we'd like to know whether any other cohousing communities have
drawn
> up
> guidelines, or had discussions about this issue, or had a real live
> situation to deal with. What was your process? Did you reach consensus
> on
> guidelines? Would you be willing to share them? Did they help or not
in
> facing a real situation?
> 
> Has there been previous discussion on the cohousing list? I didn't
find
> anything in a quick search of the archives, but someone might be able
to
> point me to a specific time period.
> 
> Thanks,
> Shari Fradenburgh
> 
> 
> ********************************
> Shari Fradenburgh and Joe Taylor
> Lake Claire Cohousing
> Atlanta, GA
> 
> 
> 
> RE: Private vs Community Issues (Abuse, Alcoholism, etc.)
> 
> by Rob Sandelin
> 
> 02 June 1999 02:00 UTC
>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> 
> I have run into lots of these sorts of things, but that's because I am
a
> faciliator and group process trainer. There is not one process that
fits
> all
> for all situations. You should develop a tool kit of different things
to
> do
> in different situations. However to have any value your group needs to
> be
> trained in the tools. I do such trainings with a cohousing focus and
> background, but I am booked till February 2000.
> 
> In your area there are probably family counselors. See if you can find
> one
> who would do a workshop on conflict/communication, explaining as best
> you
> can the kind of "family" you have. The techniques used for family
> counseling
> and couples counseling work well with cohousing. Having a relationship
> with
> a local professional is also good for backup, when you want an
> intervention
> to come from outside to take the heat off.
> 
> There are dozens of books which have various approaches, some of them
> are
> listed on the intentional communities resource pages at
> http://www.infoteam.com/nonprofit/nica/resource.html  Click the group
> process folder.
> 
> In general, the boundary between what is private and what is community
> is an
> interesting line in cohousing. Most groups seldom define these things
or
> talk about them until they are in a crisis, and then sometimes the are
> afraid to talk about them. Is it a community issue if two married
> members
> are having an affair? How about if one family beleives that spanking
is
> the
> correct dicipline method for their childen? The list of these sort of
> narly
> issues is quite large and many cohousing groups just avoid it, don't
> talk
> about about, or talk about it in unhealthy ways. Triangulation for
> example
> creates an unhealthy gossip chain which almost always damages peoples
> relationships. (If you don't know about triangulaton, then you need to
> do
> some reading- it's one of the most common poisons found in group
> process)
> 
> Having a process in place to talk about issues and problems, with
> fairness
> and compassion, and knowing the difference between healthy talk and
> unhealthy talk is importatnt. It is not a skill most people have,
since
> few
> people in cohousing have lived in such situations prior to moving in.
> 
> Rob Sandelin
> Northwest Intentional Communities Association
> 
> 

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