Re: Subject: Re: [C-L]_Dealing with difficult personalities
From: Tricia Bowler-Archambault (tricia.bowlertelus.net)
Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2003 08:49:01 -0600 (MDT)
Hi, this is my first entry on this netlist.  I am not living in co-housing,
but did live in an intentional community for some 20 years.  I am doing my
research project on comparing the co-housing model with the "learning
organization" model which was broadly introduced by Peter Senge in his book
The Fifth Discipline".  I anticipate that I will be putting a question or
two over this system over the next year as I complete my thesis project for
a Masters in Leadership and Training at Royal Roads University in Victoria,
BC; and I look forward to any responses that may come.  If you have any
questions about this, feel free to contact me directly at
tricia.bowler [at] telus.net.

I have followed with interest the thread on working with difficult persons
in co-housing.  One of the models that I studied is that of Dr. Will Schutz.
Some of you may know him through the FIRO B instrument he created some
decades ago.  One of his studies showed that people are looking to have 3
basic needs met:  1.  to know that they are included and can include others
(for a feeling of significance), 2.  to know that they are able to influence
others or be influenced by others (for a feeling of competence), and, 3. to
know that they can be open with others and others will be open with them.
(for a feeling of liability or lovability).  This may sound complex, but in
reality we all want to feel degrees of significance, competence and
liveability.  When someone is seeking high control, this (usually) points to
an inner need to feel competent.  The person may have some sense of
competence, but to meet their own inner expectations of being capable, they
need to see that they have certain levels of influence.

Now, how to get YOUR influence in the situation.....

We all live in a dynamic world (universe) and if we are to get the above 3
needs met, we need to be in relationship with other people.  How we do this
is to monitor others behaviours, reactions and feedback.  So, one of the
ways to have some influence on another is to offer direct, specific feedback
as to how their behaviour is impacting you.  If the feedback is of the
nature that sees the other's true nature (essence, soul, etc.), then that
other is more likely to feel validated for the truth of themselves (and not
their behaviours) and respond congruent to who they are and their deep needs
to be included, feel capable and loved.

So, if this person is seeking to live in co-housing, I would guess that it
is important to them to be included.  On this basis appeal to how this
person's BEHAVIOUR is creating a feeling in you of not wanting to include
them.

Tricia Bowler-Archambault
Crescent Beach, British Columbia


----- Original Message -----
From: "don i arkin" <shardon5 [at] juno.com>
To: <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
Sent: Tuesday, April 22, 2003 6:28 PM
Subject: Subject: Re: [C-L]_Dealing with difficult personalities


>
> What I'm hearing about this "difficult personality" can be summed up in
> one word, *CONTROL.*  Her obsessive need to control every decision the
> group makes whether most people in the group agree with her or not, to
> change the name of the group and all its current processes, etc. identify
> her clearly as a control freak.  Probably all of our communities have
> some problems with people who have an excessive need for control, and I
> wish there was a specific intervention that would work well to help
> confront this problem and get people to realize the difference between
> *having their say* and *having their way!*
>         Catya expressed the concept of having strong opinions, BUT being
> willing to let go of the result when the group doesn't share her opinions
> -- "On the other hand, part of the reason that this works is because i
> DON'T expect the group to share all of my vision, or that we'll do what I
> want all the time."   I think this ability to not be so stubbornly
> attached to what one wants is crucial to the success of consensus, altho
> Rob doesn't list it as one of his top 7 requirements.
>         Juva's idea of trying to discuss feelings, needs, and behaviours
> directly with the person is all fine, but the problem I see is that when
> you tell people that "the goal is to get her needs met," some people
> interpret that as "I get what I want."  How do we get people comfortable
> with giving up control, so the group can function?  Unfortunately, with
> some personalities, I'm not very hopeful.          Sharon, from Sonora.
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