Re: Re: Refining concerns / needs
From: Cheryl Charis-Graves (ccharisearthlink.net)
Date: Mon, 21 Jul 2003 09:31:08 -0600 (MDT)
On 7/20/03 11:21 PM, "Becky Schaller" <bschaller [at] theriver.com> wrote:
  
> Like Racheli, I also learned that needs are universal. I also understand
> that each of us generally believes we have difficulty meeting particular
> needs.  That differs from person to person.
> 
> I really liked your statement, "Addressing the core need Ð not necessarily
> the feeling Ð resolves the concern more effectively than trying to
> understand and assuage the feeling."

Becky, thanks for the acknowledgment and your description of the specific
way in which these ideas may be helpful to you.

I, too, understand that core needs are universal. However, as you stated,
what differs among individuals is how often these needs become "triggered"
by external events.

Responding to some of the other comments: What I have noticed in my
experience is that I am not triggered by safety concerns. If an earthquake
occurs, I am concerned about safety. So is every single person around me.
That is not an "unmet need," just a clear and present danger. Feeling safe
in the presence of an earthquake would require insanity or sainthood. If the
carports are dark, I am concerned about repairing the sensors so that
everyone feels comfortable because I have a need for affiliation. But I do
not feel personally unsafe in the presence of darkness.

However, if you start making rules about how my front porch is supposed to
look (no bikes, boxes, or temporary storage), I get a little tweaked. And a
little rebellious. My need for autonomy gets triggered. Until I slow myself
down and figure out someone else is operating out of their need for order.
Then I have a place to start. I don't need to express my feeling of being
tweaked at that point. I also don't need to get into my neighbor's psyche.
But if I understand what they need and what I need, we have a place to start
our conversation about what solutions might satisfy my need for autonomy and
another person's need for order. We don't need an intervention or a conflict
resolution. Maybe at least one of us needs a fairly high degree of
self-awareness.

When I am reacting to something, I have learned it is rarely if ever the
event itself that causes my feelings but rather the core need of mine that
is triggered by body memories of my past experience and now appears
threatened.

Feelings are obviously key. In my experience, however, understanding and
describing the feeling is merely the door into understanding and addressing
what lies beneath. Not in an intrusive way. A way that offers what can be
offered. 

Best,

-- 
Cheryl Charis-Graves
Harmony Village Cohousing
Golden, Colorado
http://www.harmonyvillage.org



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