RE: queries during conflict
From: Juva DuBoise (
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 15:40:07 -0800 (PST)
> "Dave, I understand that honouring
> agreements and integrity might be very important to you having worked 
> in
> the pharmaceuticals business for the past twenty years!"  As I read 
> this
> back it feels quiet presumptuous on the questioners part and might
> illicit a defensive response.

"According to what I know of NVC, this is also a manipulative response 
because it both assumes and defines the person you are speaking to. 
It's better to address your own feelings rather than addressing the 
other person's feelings unless you are trying to clarify what the other 
person has actually said."

So much of NVC is intent, what you are focusing on.  This would only be
manipulative in my mind if you are wanting to get this person to do
something....but if your intention to connect with this person and
understand what about agreements and integrity is important them, this
probably wouldn't work very well.

Remember that NVC has the four steps, Observation, feeling, needs and
request...your task when receiving is to focus on this and get
"Are you feeling frustrated and hoping for a high level of trust with in our
community.  Are you asking that follow through on agreements be something we
all do to build that trust?" 
Something like that.

If instead your wanting to be heard do these steps yourself...what specific
action or behavior are you reacting to, what are your feelings (not thoughts
but feelings and remember if it start with I feel like or I feel that, it
isn't a feeling), what is it your hoping for and what is the specific
concrete do able request.

As you might be able to tell, I am pretty passionate about NVC.  We at CoHo
in Corvallis all learn this, we do a 13 week group (based on Marshall NVC
book and Lucy Lui's (ahhh forgot her last name) work book.  It has been a
great asset for our community many times already to all have a common
language and common intent to connect!  Marshal has a new book out Speak
Peace, it is even easer to understand as it focuses more on the why in stead
of just the how......

Ah, Community - check it out! 

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