Re: queries during conflict
From: Sharon Villines (
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 16:20:01 -0800 (PST)

On Dec 22, 2005, at 6:39 PM, Juva DuBoise wrote:
"Dave, I understand that honouring agreements and integrity might be very important to you having worked in the pharmaceuticals business for the past twenty years!" As I read this back it feels quiet presumptuous on the questioners part and might illicit a defensive response.

So much of NVC is intent, what you are focusing on.  This would only be
manipulative in my mind if you are wanting to get this person to do
something....but if your intention to connect with this person and
understand what about agreements and integrity is important them, this
probably wouldn't work very well.

Sometimes the intent to connect is really a desire to have the other person change some viewpoint in themselves -- that's what I meant by manipulative. The technique called sandwiching in which you put a negative or corrective statement between a positive or soothing statement seems very manipulative to me because you are expecting the person to change how they respond to you or hear you rather than honestly explaining your own feelings or directly asking a question to clarify the other person's feelings or intentions. The intention is not direct and clear. It's rehearsed or prescribed with the intention to produce a certain response.

Sharon Villines
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