RE: queries during conflict
From: Juva DuBoise (
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 16:25:10 -0800 (PST)
Sharon, I agree, if the intention isn't really to connect but as you say to
get some one to change, it sure could be manipulative. That is why with NVC
the CLEAR intention to connect is so primary. To truly want to understand
and hear what is real for other.

Ah, Community - check it out! 

-----Original Message-----
From: Sharon Villines [mailto:sharon [at]] 
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2005 4:20 PM
To: Cohousing-L
Subject: Re: [C-L]_ queries during conflict

On Dec 22, 2005, at 6:39 PM, Juva DuBoise wrote:
>> "Dave, I understand that honouring agreements and integrity might be 
>> very important to you having worked in the pharmaceuticals business 
>> for the past twenty years!"  As I read
>> this back it feels quiet presumptuous on the questioners part and 
>> might illicit a defensive response.
> So much of NVC is intent, what you are focusing on.  This would only be
> manipulative in my mind if you are wanting to get this person to do
> something....but if your intention to connect with this person and
> understand what about agreements and integrity is important them, this
> probably wouldn't work very well.

Sometimes the intent to connect is really a desire to have the other 
person change some viewpoint in themselves -- that's what I meant by 
manipulative. The technique called sandwiching in which you put a 
negative or corrective statement between a positive or soothing 
statement seems very manipulative to me because you are expecting the 
person to change how they respond to you or hear you rather than 
honestly explaining your own feelings or directly asking a question  to 
clarify the other person's feelings or intentions. The intention is not 
direct and clear. It's rehearsed or prescribed with the intention to 
produce a certain response.

Sharon Villines
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