Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: A Private person in cohousing

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

On Nov 6, 2006, at 2:18 AM, Charlene McNamara wrote:

> been through the development process and have lived here now for
> 8 months. I can honestly say I have never been more unhappy in my
> entire life. [snip] I don't have concerns about the people
> here, just that I am constantly overstimulated by all of them all the
> time. It is simply exhausting to me to say hello to each and every
> person I ever walk by. Yet there seems to be an expectation that I do
> that. I literally have a few neighbors who go out of their way to get
> my attention just to wave to me from across the property.

Part of the problem for you is that the community is still new and 
people are trying extra hard to be a community. They feel uncomfortable 
not saying hello and can't imagine that you feel more comfortable. 
Unfortunately the US is populated predominately by extroverts.

There is a lot of tension in a new community -- everyone is anxious and 
deciding whether they did the right thing. I can't remember how long 
this lasts but it does go away. It may be peaking right now both for 
you and everyone else. In a few months you might wonder what you were 
so upset about.

Cohousing is unique in that everyone is new to their homes at the same 
time. In housing developments, people move in one house at a time. In 
large buildings people move in one floor at a time and do not know each 
other so they don't expect to speak.

I am also an introvert and before I moved into cohousing used to spend 
9 hours a day with no human contact. I once lived in the country where 
I had no human contact at least 4 days a week. When I first moved into 
cohousing, I used to stay in my unit just to avoid people--sometimes 
for 2-3 days at a time. Since I don't have young children it was easier 
for me to do. Extroverts, of course, thought something was seriously 
wrong.

I now have MUCH more human contact but people are familiar so it is 
easier. I balance how many events I attend. This is sometimes a problem 
since the number of meetings alone is enough contact for me and thus I 
wasn't forming relationships with people who didn't attend meetings or 
seeing people who did not live in the community. I've added more meals 
and movies in the CH but don't enjoy them as much as everyone else does 
and it means missing some meetings to balance the increased social 
contact. The noise and idle chatter seems so pointless. If I have a 
meal with someone, it's for good (serious usually) conversation.

I rarely shmooze which means I don't pick up idle gossip or things that 
"everyone decided" but didn't decide in a meeting. I object often to 
things that are never recorded in the meeting notes but "everyone" 
knows. I use email much more often which makes some people nuts. They 
want phone calls which makes me nuts. But over time, you adjust and 
find you don't have to relate to everyone in the community. People sort 
themselves out into relationships so the talkers find other talkers.

So while I'm interactive, it is often by email. Which makes me very 
happy. Others hate it. I've had to cut back to avoid drowning others 
out. I had to screen phone calls when I moved in so I was not so 
available and now only people I have regular business with or who are 
close friends call me.

Don't give up. It does work and will be very nice once everyone adjusts.

A community Meyer-Briggs workshop might help people to understand each 
other.

Sharon
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Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org