|Re: A Private person in cohousing||<– Date –> <– Thread –>|
|From: Carol R. (carolrslvyahoo.com)|
|Date: Mon, 6 Nov 2006 14:00:41 -0800 (PST)|
Charlene, This sounds like a great topic to take up within the community. As someone else said, you are in the moving-in stage and getting to know everyone's limits and so this adjustment can indeed bring out these very issues. Here is an example from when I first moved into my community: I had been in my community for about 6 months. I am introverted and so take time to recharge on my own in my home. I also thought that everyone else wanted "space" as well. One of my neighbors had also moved in and brought his mother to live with them. Within the first month of them moving in, his mother died suddenly. So, when I passed him on the sidewalk, he always seemed preoccupied to me and so I wanted to be "nice" and not disturb his quiet, so I did not say anything to him, I just nodded and moved on. This went on for more than 3 months. At one point, he came to my home and helped me with a project and at the end of this he asked if he could speak with me privately before he left. So, we talked and he asked if I was avoiding him or angry with him. I was shocked and said no, and asked why he thought that. Then he said he thought that because I hadn't said "hello" to him when I saw him. I explained that I thought I was being "nice" by not speaking when I thought he was wanting to not talk. So, we ended up both laughing about our "assumptions" about the other person and I asked what he would like and he said he would like for me to say "hello" when we passed each other and I agreed that this was something I could do. So, a long story, and an example of me miscommunicating. I think if we had been in the community longer, we would have had that conversation sooner. So, I would certainly look at having a conversation within the community since I would also think there are other folks who may be having a similar experience. If you do not have a format for discussing issues of concern outside of a "business" meeting, I can tell you one of our formats. We have a "salon" on a particular topic and the idea is to let folks share their thoughts and feelings without trying to "fix" anything and just have people feel heard. So, we pick a 2 hour time slot and a topic. Then, whoever shows up, we again state the topic and then put a "talking stick" in the middle of the group. Each person may speak once by getting the talking stick and telling their thought or experience of the topic and then put the talking stick back. Then, the next person to feel "inspired" to speak goes. We let everyone have the opportunity to speak about their thoughts without "processing" what someone else just said, although they can refer to what someone else said if it reminds them of something for them. If everyone gets their turn to talk before the time is up, then sometimes some folks may go again. This format has worked extremely well for us when dealing with difficult or emotional topics. I wish you much success with this!! Carol Robinson Shadowlake Village Cohousing Blacksburg, VA "Where we are getting ready to welcome Ann Zabaldo and Martie Weatherly for a Consensus Workshop sponsored by MAC this coming weekend!!!!! Yeah, team!!" Charlene McNamara <charlenem [at] gmail.com> wrote: Okay, I know it has been discussed a million and one times here, but I'm in the thick of things here in our new community and need to get some perspective. I am a very private person, an introvert. Social settings drain all my energy. I moved into cohousing because I have young children and thought this would be a good environment for them and I love the idea of being friendly with my neighbors. I had GREAT concerns about my privacy. However, they were quickly erased by the comments read on this list. Additionally, my social husband assured me that privacy can easily be found in cohousing. Being that he lived in another cohousing community for 5 years, I released my concerns and embraced the idea of moving into community. This was 4 years ago. We've been through the development process and have lived here now for 8 months. I can honestly say I have never been more unhappy in my entire life. I feel that every movement and breath I take is noted by my neighbors. I am constantly feeling like I need to be "on." I am depleted and exhausted all the time. I run home to shelter myself from this onslaught daily and hide behind my closed blind windows and doors. I always have my "do not disturb" sign up. I have it up so much that most people now ignore it. A case of the boy who cried wolf, "well that sign is always up, I just figured you forgot to take it down." I have become depressed and have gained a lot of weight. I have wonderful neighbors here in our community and am friendly with most of them, some I am close with and others rather distant, but neighborly with all of them. I don't have concerns about the people here, just that I am constantly overstimulated by all of them all the time. It is simply exhausting to me to say hello to each and every person I ever walk by. Yet there seems to be an expectation that I do that. I literally have a few neighbors who go out of their way to get my attention just to wave to me from across the property. I know they are just being friendly, but there doesn't seem to be an understanding that some of us simply don't always want to be social. Am I the only person out there in the cohousing community who has had this experience? It seems I'm the only one in our community of 90 or so people. I am doing my best to focus on the positive and appreciate the good things that community does offer, but being exhausted and stressed out all the time does not help me in this endeavor! I really want to believe that cohousing can work for me, but spend most of my time dreaming of moving out and finding a nice single family home where I simply have nice neighbors, again. HELP! charlene _________________________________________________________________ Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: http://www.cohousing.org/cohousing-L/ --------------------------------- Sponsored Link Talk more and pay less. Vonage can save you up to $300 a year on your phone bill. Sign up now.
A Private person in cohousing Charlene McNamara, November 5 2006
- Re: A Private person in cohousing Catya Belfer-Shevett, November 6 2006
Re: A Private person in cohousing Sharon Villines, November 6 2006
- Re: A Private person in cohousing Rob Sandelin, November 6 2006
- Re: A Private person in cohousing Carol R., November 6 2006
- Re: A Private person in cohousing Sharon Villines, November 7 2006
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