Re: Seeking advice re mentally ill community member
From: Lia Olson (liajosbcglobal.net)
Date: Sat, 31 Mar 2007 18:18:15 -0700 (PDT)
I just have to add my concurrence to what Racheli and others have said.  I
watched my ex-husband and wife befriend a high-functioning mentally ill woman
and become like a second family to her.   They were there for her through
several problems and included her in their lives in a most loving way.   They
even supported her in a lot of delusional thinking that seemed absolutely
innocuous.  There was NONE of the destructive behavior that the person in
question in this thread exhibited and everyone saw her as an utterly benign
eccentric who enriched their lives.  UNTIL the opposite side of her illness
kicked in causing to see her supporters as as devil-inspired enemies!!!!!   She
mounted a campaign to destroy my ex-s wife's career and caused unimaginable
problems in her professional life.  She did NOT turn violent, but, then, she
hadn't exhibited the signs that she could during the two years of intimacy with
the family either.   Nevertheless, she failed to have boundaries to control her
destructive impulses and did a lot of harm.   

I've worked with the mentally ill and hardly would condone  lack of compassion
or outright prejudice against any one of them.  BUT, I also see that normal
relationships and healthy connections are not possible when one party is in the
grips of psychosis.  This woman desperately needs treatment, medication and
containment until she restabilizes.  Sometimes love and support have to take
the form of limits and structure.   In this case, not only is the mentally ill
woman being put at risk by allowing her mental illness to control her, but the
community is being put in danger as well.  NO ONE is helped by letting a
mentally ill  person suffer in the name of love.   When I worked in a Psych
Hospital, I watched people come in raving, flailing, raging and attacking, only
to have them bless us a little while later after we had held them down and
injected medications that restored them to themselves.

It's a complicated problem even for professionals to resolve, because no one
wants to impose on an adult person's right to make personal decisions, but
someone experiencing a psychotic breakdown isn't really capable of making
autonomous choices.   Getting in the middle of a dilemma like this is too much
for a community to handle.

I know that simply saying this much doesn't map out a solution, but helping the
community to come to a realistic assessment of what they are dealing with and
what a caring response to the situation really entails is the first step toward
clarity.  You are so right in your instinctual understanding of the dangers of
a policy of  tolerance when dealing with the suffering of someone in the throes
of psychosis.  I do hope that you willl all find a way to talk about this and
move toward a more positive resolution.

Lia
     
--- Racheli Gai <racheli [at] sonoracohousing.com> wrot
> Dear Diana,
> This sounds so very painful for all involved :(
> 
> People made lots of good points.
> I agree with Eris that people not locking their doors etc. sounds very 
> strange.
> It would seem like the first line of defense!
> 
> I also agree that you need outside advice.  Not just regarding the 
> woman's condition,
> needs etc., but also someone which will help the community  work 
> through this.
> I suspect that positions and disagreements on this issue get mixed up 
> with all
> sorts of other issues and human dynamics.  In such cases, someone from 
> the
> outside -  who doesn't have a stake in any of it -  can help sort 
> things out.
> 
> I had a painful experience with a mentally ill woman whom (my family 
> and I)  took in,
> thinking that her "only" problem was a severe case of multiple chemical 
> sensitivities.  She
> was supposed to stay for a week or two, and ended up staying - mostly 
> in our
> house, and in the end in the community guest room - for about 4 months.
> It took a long time for me to figure out that her behavior/strangeness 
> isn't due
> to MCS, but to  mental illness, because it's common for people with 
> severe
> MCS to exhibit some emotional disturbance as a result of exposure to 
> certain
> substances.  Because I myself have a (mild) case of MCS, and have 
> experienced the
> kind of denial by many people that my problems are real, I was of course
> especially empathetic and willing to help.  It made me somewhat blind.
> Anyway, eventually she started seeing me as her enemy and basically 
> fell apart/exploded.
> (I'm mentioning this in relation to the comment conveyed by the 
> professional
> that a close person becomes part of the psychosis).
> I also want to support the point made that when the ill person is well, 
> they can
> be very appealing, and you get attached to them.  We DID get attached 
> to her,
> and the idea of asking her to leave (especially in the Tucson summer, 
> when
> temperatures regularly rise above 100 degrees), knowing that with MCS 
> she
> might end up on the street, was quite unbearable.
> I don't want to get into details, but the extent to which we strived to 
> accommodate
> her and adjust to her needs (real or imagined) was tremendous.  I felt 
> later that
> I haven't had to do that much to help one person since I had babies.
> I see this as something worth mentioning to underline the fact that no 
> amount
> of caring and attention could really help.  (Diana,  if you wish to 
> know more
> details in order to illustrate this point to your resistant community 
> members -
> contact me off list).
> 
> 
> There ended up being a standoff with the community, when she refused to 
> leave
> the CH guest room (let me add that she had 3 weeks to be there, in 
> which she
> could have looked for a different place, but seemingly didn't).  As it 
> turned out, she had
> (perhaps) squatter's rights - which she knew about - and a lawyer.  [We 
> found out
> that even after staying in someone's house as a guest (not a renter!) - 
> after a certain
> amount of time a person has such rights].
> She did eventually leave.  I run into her every few months in a health 
> food store or
> somesuch place (she fought with the people in the local food coop, so 
> at least I'm
> not about to run into her there)...
> One additional point I'd like to make is that once she decided I was 
> her enemy, we tried
> so very hard to convince her that she couldn't possibly have a better 
> ally than I was.
> It was all to no avail.  Once her mind was made up, there was no 
> changing it (because
> it had nothing to do with real-life evidence).  She also didn't 
> recognize that she had
> mental illness, [and in fact what caused her to turn against me was my 
> mentioning
> that in certain situations she seems different.  This was the thing she 
> was least able
> to hear or accept].
> 
> I hope you find a way out of it without harming you community any 
> further.
> I  hope there is hope for this woman, too, but I do agree with others 
> who commented
> that your first and foremost responsibility at this point is to heal 
> your community.
> 
> Sending love and support your way,
> Racheli
> Sonora Cohousing
> Tucson, AZ.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> On Mar 31, 2007, at 8:56 AM, Eris Weaver wrote:
> 
> > I am just astounded by this whole story. How is this woman getting into
> > your houses and your cars and stealing things? Do you all go to work,
> > school etc. and leave everything unlocked, keys in yours cars? Has it
> > not occurred to anyone to LOCK their houses and cars, set some
> > boundaries, etc? Is it OK in your community for non-members in general
> > to just wander onto the property and into your houses?
> >
> > (I don't know your community, so maybe I'm missing something obvious?)
> >
> > Why do some people think it is somehow OK to compromise their own and
> > their children's safety in this way? If someone you didn't know came
> > onto the property and engaged in these behaviors, you would call the
> > police. Why is it OK if you know the person?
> >
> > I am just baffled.
> >
> >
> 
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