Re: hurting others, Subj: limited-access events in common space
From: Joanie Connors (
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 2010 13:33:13 -0800 (PST)
This is a very good point as it is impossible to please everyone, and
you can't expect any community to live under standards of never
hurting each other. Living with anyone, you inevitably bump up against
each others' needs.

That said, there is something inherently offputting about having an
exclusive group meet in a facility that was created and paid for by an
inclusive community. Small group research finds that exclusion
commonly provokes negative feelings and conflict. Community leaders
might want to avoid subjecting their members to such an effect.

On Tue, Feb 23, 2010 at 2:08 PM, Monty Berman <mberman116 [at]> 
>         Sharon Villines, with whom I have had rewarding exchanges, ends her 
> response to the subject of "limited-access events in common space" by saying, 
> So if I were a member of a group that decided it only wanted the "six of us" 
> and no one else was allowed to
> join and we met in the CH, it would be very obvious and hurtful to at least 
> some other members.
>  After debating whether I should raise this, evidently I decided to go ahead. 
> The paragraph ends with it would be very obvious and hurtful to at least some 
> other members. I make the distinction between actually feeling hurt as 
> against having some old unresolved feeling activated or simply not liking 
> what someone is saying to or about you. I once was very, very embarrassed at 
> something my wife-at-the-time shared about me. I coulda killed her,AND she 
> was oblivious to the distress I experienced (until, of course, I told her 
> about it). So, my point is that she didn't hurt me; rather I struggled with 
> the embarrassment of what impression others would have of me given the 
> remark. In all, I see it as more of where I am at with myself rather than how 
> people act towards or around me.
> Monty
> Monty Berman  EcoVillage at Ithaca, NY

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