Re: divorce in cohousing | <– Date –> <– Thread –> |
From: Doug Huston (huston![]() |
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Date: Thu, 13 Feb 2014 20:58:53 -0800 (PST) |
Ann - Thanks for asking. I’m known to be verbose and had tried to be brief in my introduction of this topic. I fear the brevity has lead some folks to fill in the blanks in ways that that may or may not be applicable to the proposal. My job and food poisoning and kid’s lice converged to prevent a quicker response on my part. Maybe the rapidness of responses that e-mail allows, and persons’ interpretations and projections of the written word are tangentially related to the concurrent list serve thread about e-mail. Unsurprisingly, this topic touches some readers emotionally. For me, the idea of this proposal originated when a community member moved out during a trial separation. The person who moved offsite announced they had every expectation that they would continue to be a fully participating member. There was no discussion in the community about whether this was okay or not. Nor did the half of the couple remaining here weigh in on it. As I think it is fair to assume would be common, there was some palpable tension between the couple having the trial separation. Personally, I was/am in favor of the couple working their challenges out, but not so much amidst the milieu of the community. I was slightly nauseous at the spectre of this potential ongoing drama. And no, i’m not conflict avoidant. Then jump to another situation in which a couple did divorce. [This is the one my fellow community member Lyle refers to and was part of, and the proposal does not apply to him or his ex. It is not somehow retroactive]. There was much drama that ensued, but only some of it had to do with their divorce. Another event (about which I’m not being transparent out of respect to others) brought up for our community a struggle about what are 'personal issues’ and what are 'community issues.’ One of the members involved did live ‘offsite.’ The impact on the community was quite evident in big and small ways. Community members had differing ideas about how the conflict should be handled. Responses ranges widely and included: individuals' reactions are the problem take a timeout between parties involved how do folks make amends in a community schedule persons to attend different common meal its not that big of a problem and on and on and on and on. There were many many responses and solutions and issues that emerged. Community conflict resolution steps were taken. Parties went to mediation. We brought in outside professionals. Interpersonal “clearing” ensued and became fairly commonplace in the community. And the drama continued. The offsite member is no longer a community member. Improved conflict resolution protocols are being considered in the wake of this. I want to emphasize that little of that was related to divorce, but was instructive about how our community could be shaken up and suffer. The ‘divorce proposal’ is an amalgamation of thoughts connected to the aforementioned different events. I understand the danger in creating reactive proposals. I’ve thought about this for most of a year, and aspire to not be ‘reactive,’ while admitting my ideas are colored by experience. My motivations and intentions are varied. One is to hold the community in a primary position above the individuals going through their likely difficulties in a divorce. If a divorcing member moves offsite, this proposal circumscribes the community from some of the drama that I presume divorcing/divorced members are likely experiencing. Another is to set a default expectation, as opposed to winging it or muddling through or taking things on a case by case basis. Their will inherently be enough of that anyway. Just a reminder from the proposal - exceptions could be considered. As a community, we have historically been flexible and considerate about our guidelines. Each individual of the couple will be eligible for support from the individuals in the community with whom they have friendships. Divorces are about resetting boundaries. This would reset and clarify boundaries as well. Wow! This has really took off in unanticipated directions. To clarify regarding some responses….proposal would of course not apply to people who remain in the community; it specifies people who move away. It would not apply to people who move offsite and retain home ownership and want to exercise their legal rights as homeowner. It sounds like some folks equate boundary-setting with contributing to stress or choosing sides. I guess it is choosing sides in as much as the person remaining retains full community membership. And I guess it could be interpreted as choosing sides by choosing community over couple. Obviously, I’m comfortable with that. That this policy inherently negatively impacts children is not clear to me. I’m sure it could be argued both ways. While what the divorcing family wants is important (if that could be agreed upon), I’m not sure that is the only or best criteria for decision-making in a community regarding a divorce. Boundaries by definition include and excludes. Some boundaries or permeable, and others more firm or rigid. The concept of “shunning” is colorful, but I don’t think captures what I was trying to talk about at all. I’m sorry for how I might have contributed to that. I appreciate the faith in conflict resolution processes and have a lot of this faith myself. And I suspect there may be some unspoken assumptions about such processes I might not share. Those assumptions sometimes appear to me as - if one just tries hard enough, or says something the right way, or loves enough, or learns certain communication skills, or listens better, or maintains a particular stance, or remains curious, or, or, or. Sometimes things do not work out. The reasons differ. And an aside is that if there is domestic violence, laws may specifically prevent mediation, couples’ counseling, and such conventional processes. I imagine some readers will think back on their own break-ups which occurred outside cohousing, others have lived through it inside cohousing, and others have observed such events from afar. I do appreciate the thoughtful responses and feedback. - Doug On Feb 12, 2014, at 6:53 AM, Ann Zabaldo <zabaldo [at] earthlink.net> wrote: > > Hello Doug — > > Can you talk a little more about what is happening in your community that > gave rise to this proposal? My experience is that proposals don’t arise in a > vacuum. > > Have you experienced or are you experiencing a particularly difficult or > “nasty” divorce in your community? > > Fleshing this out a little more for those of us on this list will help us > understand the situation(s) you are facing in your community. And help us > respond with more refined and targeted comments. > > Thanks! > > Best -- > > Ann Zabaldo > Takoma Village Cohousing > Washington, DC > Principal, Cohousing Collaborative, LLC > Falls Church VA > 703-688-2646 > > > On Feb 10, 2014, at 9:06 PM, Doug Huston <huston [at] ashlandcoho.com> wrote: > >> >> At times I’ve read on this list serve how stressful break-ups/divorces have >> been on communities. >> In our community, we are considering the following proposal: >> When a couple breaks up, the person who moves out of the community is >> automatically no longer a member of the community. >> This means he/she cannot be an off-site member, a category which exist for >> some communities. >> This would be the default situation. Exceptions could be considered. If >> after one year the member who moved out wants to re-join, the group could >> choose to consider this - or not. >> The intention behind this is to insulate the community (to some extent) from >> the common challenges, stress, and tensions which usually accompany >> break-ups, and would likely be heightened if both parties remain formally >> involved in community activities. >> We are wondering what others in communities think, and if there are similar >> or related policies regarding break-ups elsewhere in cohousing. >> Thanks for your comments in advance. >> >> Doug Huston - Ashland (Oregon) Cohousing Community >> _________________________________________________________________ >> Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: >> http://www.cohousing.org/cohousing-L/ >> >> > > > > _________________________________________________________________ > Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: > http://www.cohousing.org/cohousing-L/ > >
- Re: divorce in cohousing, (continued)
- Re: divorce in cohousing Diana Carroll, February 13 2014
- Re: divorce in cohousing Sharon Villines, February 13 2014
- Re: divorce in cohousing R Philip Dowds, February 11 2014
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Re: divorce in cohousing Ann Zabaldo, February 12 2014
- Re: divorce in cohousing Doug Huston, February 13 2014
- Re: divorce in cohousing Sharon Villines, February 15 2014
- Re: divorce in cohousing Karen Scheer, February 17 2014
- Re: divorce in cohousing Jenny Guy, February 21 2014
- Re: divorce in cohousing Doug Huston, February 22 2014
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