|Re: Difficult members - Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 136, Issue 16||<– Date –> <– Thread –>|
|From: Matt Kramer (mkramermattkramer.com)|
|Date: Tue, 2 Jun 2015 12:58:50 -0700 (PDT)|
As you noted, people who do not find conditions to their liking, tend to move on. But in the case described below on May 16, it would be helpful if those who find themselves dealing with the difficult person (for the rest of this message, I will refer to this person as DP) study the behavioral traits of narcissistic personality disorder. DP may also be exhibiting traits correlated with psychopathy or borderline personality disorder but without a substantive psychology examination, anything I contribute to this conversation is speculative. The primary point I want to make, in regard to why this person hasn’t moved on, is that they are profiting emotionally even though the attention is negative. The issues are not the prime motivators; the need for “meaningful” attention most likely is driving DPs constant stream of adversarial actions. The win for DP can be construed as a sort of negative intimacy: “now you’re paying attention to me; now you’re get it that I am important!” Thus when someone engages DP in a dialogue with the hope to achieve resolution, the initiator will often find themselves mired in an ever increasing muddle of confusion, blame, insults, etc. that some therapists label gaslighting; it is not the substance of the conversation that is important but that as long as the conversation endures, DP is “winning.” http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/ In general psychologists attest that there is no cure for narcissism; here is an exception whose article might be helpful: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201309/can-narcissists-change Another point of view: http://stuartschneiderman.blogspot.com/2011/10/cure-for-narcissism.html As a professional mediator, if I am working with clients and narcissism is in the picture, I advise the other party(parties) to learn as much as they can about the disorder so that they can stop wasting time using the kinds of tools that are effective with healthier personalities and study clinical research to develop more strategic methods of dealing with the unpleasant party. In some cases, maybe love and attention (delivered as a sacrifice, not with the expectation of two way reciprocity) will work; each case is unique; no formula fits all personalities. I hope this is helpful. Matt Kramer Alumnus of FrogSong Cohousing On May 17, 2015, at 6:16 AM, cohousing-l-request [at] cohousing.org wrote: > Send Cohousing-L mailing list submissions to > cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org > > To subscribe or unsubscribe via the World Wide Web, visit > http://lists.cohousing.org/mailman/listinfo/cohousing-l > or, via email, send a message with subject or body 'help' to > cohousing-l-request [at] cohousing.org > > You can reach the person managing the list at > cohousing-l-owner [at] cohousing.org > > When replying, please edit your Subject line so it is more specific > than "Re: Contents of Cohousing-L digest..." > > > Today's Topics: > > 1. Last resort dealing with very difficult member (Fred-List manager) > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Message: 1 > Date: Sat, 16 May 2015 18:59:18 -0500 (CDT) > From: Fred-List manager <fholson [at] cohousing.org> > To: Cohousing-L mailing list <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> > Subject: [C-L]_ Last resort dealing with very difficult member > Message-ID: <alpine.DEB.2.02.1505161856240.5195 [at] web02.tigertech.net> > Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII > > The author of the message below prefers not to identify > themselves and their community so it was posted by > Fred, the Cohousing-L list manager <fholson [at] cohousing.org> > -------------------- FORWARDED MESSAGE FOLLOWS -------------------- > > Many communities have had difficult members. Usually members who do > not like the people and/or the process eventually leave. But what are > one's options when they don't and won't? I'm talking about a situation > that has persisted after years of good faith attempts to mediate, > facilitate, outreach, accomodate, non-violently communicate: you name > it. And we still have a member who is contentious, adversarial, > litigious: threats of lawsuits, unfounded allegations taken to local > police and courts (even when always found to be baseless). Someone > whose presence is experienced as a drain on community time, energy, > money, and happiness. The only plausible reason I can think of, for > staying where you don't like the people or the process, is a > personality that thrives on drama and victimhood. What then? > > Our community is long-built, and otherwise runs smoothly and happily: > lots of good people (including a number of mental-health > professionals), and good process. We accomodate a diversity of > opinions and approaches, but this works best within our process, not > for a situation where the dissident places themselves outside the > group, and not quietly. This party has truly burned most of us out, > and we find it hard to take any more. > > I think perhaps co-ops can evict someone, but I believe the rest of us > -- homeowners' associations, nonprofits, etc -- cannot do so. Has > anyone ever successfully dealt with such a last-resort scenario? Our > documents say if you are an Owner, you are a Member. Nonpayment of > assessments can lead to loss of privileges to use common facilities > and participate in decision making. But if assessments are paid, we > don't seem to have any other tools for denying community rights, much > less causing departure. > > Any relevant experiences or advice? > > Thanks, > Disappointed it's come to this, but it has. > > > > > > On May 16, 2015, at 12:52 PM, Fred H Olson wrote: > >> On Sat, 16 May 2015, Lynn Nadeau / Maraiah wrote: >> >>> In the case of asking advice about an internal problem, can a post >>> be made without naming the specific community (except to the >>> moderator)? >> >>> Maraiah Lynn Nadeau >>> RoseWind Cohousing >> >> Hi Lynn, >> >> What I have done on occasion is have the post sent to me dierectly >> and make I'll make sure there is no identifying information and then >> I'd put some general introductory comment and post it. >> >> Fred >> >> -- >> Fred H. Olson Minneapolis,MN 55411 USA (near north Mpls) >> Email: fholson at cohousing.org 612-588-9532 >> My Link Pg: http://fholson.cohousing.org My org: >> Communications for Justice -- Free, superior listserv's w/o ads >> > > > > > ------------------------------ > > Subject: Digest Footer > > _________________________________________________________________ > Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: > http://www.cohousing.org/cohousing-L/ > > ------------------------------ > > End of Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 136, Issue 16 > ******************************************** >
Re: Difficult members - Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 136, Issue 16 Matt Kramer, June 2 2015
- Re: Difficult members - Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 136, Issue 16 Muriel Kranowski, June 2 2015
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