Re: Unseen Bullying Epidemic in Senior Communities - with hot link
From: Elizabeth Magill (pastorlizmgmail.com)
Date: Wed, 16 May 2018 12:47:36 -0700 (PDT)
While I don't think it's a good idea to try and "vet" coho members, it is
only against the law to discriminate against "protected" categories of
people: race <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Race_(human_classification)>,
color <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_skin_color>, disability, religion
<https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religion>, sex
<https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex>, familial status, or national origin
<https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_origin> in housing.

(Familial status is having or planning to have children. You can get around
that restriction by creating an over 55 community, and that makes it legal
to discriminate in that area only.)

Some states or municipalities have added additional categories. In Maryland
we couldn't accept ads from people looking for "professionals" to rent a
room, that was a protected category.

You can legally discriminate for any other reason, including "accepting our
values". Although if everyone you rejected for "accepting our values"
happened to be the same religion, and you had no people of that religion
you'd have set up a pretty good case against your community.

Instead of Vetting, what you really hope to do is give people the
information to "vet" themselves. You say "these are our values, if you live
here we expect you to live by those values". The theory is that they know
themselves better than you do as to whether they can follow those values.

To get back to the topic, then, it seems highly unlikely to me that either
vetting by the community or self-vetting could result in bullies not moving
in. While I suppose you could have a value of "we won't be bullies" I just
don't see the bully as recognizing it, nor the community knowing that
information in advance.

Liz



On Wed, May 16, 2018 at 3:33 PM, Nancy Baughman Csuti <nancycsuti [at] 
gmail.com>
wrote:

> I'm interested in your comment Alan - "When vetting community members...."
> I was under the impression that anyone who wanted to move into a for-sale
> cohousing unit could otherwise it violates fair housing laws. Do people
> actually have to agree to the principles and spirit of cohousing to buy a
> unit?
>
> Nancy in CO.
>
> On Wed, May 16, 2018 at 9:10 AM, Alan O via Cohousing-L <
> cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:
>
> > Dick - I temper your comment that bullies tend to stay away from
> cohousing.
> >
> > I don't know about you, but there are untold stories of cohousing power
> > and control conflicts between / among neighbors. The cohousing
> conferences
> > are rife with workshops, retreats and classes on conflict resolution and
> > non-violent communication.
> >
> > Keep in mind that bullying isn't just punching and pushing, it's also
> > emotional abuse.
> >
> > I also would say, that when vetting community members, be aware that as
> > time passes, people have learned how to mask their undesirable
> personality
> > traits. I previously worked in domestic violence prevention and can spot
> a
> > bully a mile away.
> >
> > ThxAlan O.
> >
> >
> >  *****************************************************
> > Alan O'Hashi
> > Have Camera - Will Travel
> > www.bouldercomedia.com   303-910-5782
> > www.wyocomedia.com             307-247-1910
> > ******************************************************
> >
> >       From: Dick Margulis <dick [at] dmargulis.com>
> >  To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org; Ann Zabaldo <zabaldo [at] 
> > earthlink.net>;
> Alan
> > O'Hashi <adoecos [at] yahoo.com>
> >  Sent: Wednesday, May 16, 2018 8:53 AM
> >  Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Unseen Bullying Epidemic in Senior Communities -
> with
> > hot link
> >
> > On 5/16/2018 9:39 AM, Ann Zabaldo wrote:
> > > What is maybe a surprise is our expectation that people will become
> > sweeter and gentler as they age.
> >
> > And with this, a story.
> >
> > Many years ago, I lived in a small town where one of the highlights of
> > the year was the firemen's field days, a three-day orgy of beer, greasy
> > food, and polka.
> >
> > One year, when my kids were small, my parents visited that weekend. We
> > went to the parade, of course. And afterward, we went into the exhibitor
> > tent, where one of the local churches had an ice cream booth. My dad,
> > who until he was deep into his dementia could add a column of numbers in
> > his head faster than an accountant could with an adding machine, offered
> > to treat. The nice church lady had to write down the price of everything
> > the six of us ordered and laboriously calculate the sum by hand and
> > aloud, thirty-write-down-zero-carry-the-three style. As we walked away,
> > my dad shook his head. "It's amazing someone can live to that age and
> > never learn to add," he said. "No," I countered. "People don't get
> > smarter as they age. What's amazing is that people that slow survive to
> > old age at all."
> >
> > Okay, that was mean, and in retrospect I'm sorry I said it. I'm nicer
> > now. But it's just another aspect of Ann's point: people don't change
> > much as they age, except physically.
> >
> > The saving grace of cohousing in this regard is that bullies don't tend
> > to be attracted to cohousing in the first place, so dealing with them as
> > they age may be less of a problem than in the sorts of institutions
> > featured in the article.
> >
> > Dick Margulis
> > Rocky Corner
> > Bethany CT
> > Construction is underway: rockycorner.org/blog/
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
> > Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at:
> > http://l.cohousing.org/info
> >
> >
> >
> >
> _________________________________________________________________
> Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at:
> http://l.cohousing.org/info
>
>
>
>


-- 
-Liz
(The Rev.) Elizabeth M. Magill
Minister to the Affiliates, Ecclesia Ministries
www.ecclesiaministriesmission.org
www.mosaic-commons.org
508-450-0431

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