Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Definition of Bullying

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

On May 18, 2018, at 8:10 PM, Joseph Wheeler <wheeler76 [at] gmail.com> wrote:
> 
> I had to read Sharon's email a few times and I'm still not totally sure of
> the point, but I think she is saying that efforts to address bullying or to
> overemphasize its impact could undermine our efforts to foster a diverse
> community that is inclusive of all personality types, including bullies.

Totally not what I meant. I’ve been concerned for years that our efforts to 
stop sexual activity with children we have gone too far in considering it a 
criminal activity that requires imprisonment. This too often frightens 
children, breaks up families, and causes many more problems than it solves. 

I see the same thing happening with bulling — the _intentional_  _repeated_ 
efforts to harm or upset another person. Suddenly, bullying is everywhere. A 
friend whose supervisor nominated her for a mentoring program because she 
thought she would be able to be excellent with some guidance. She went to a 
lawyer and claimed she was being bullied.

If we want diversity we should work with people and understand their needs too. 
Conflict comes out of the environment. 

I had a friend who took a sabbatical and lived in a kibbutz for a year. He was 
upset that the new immigrants from Russia were pushy, arrogant, skipped their 
job rotations, stole food from the kitchen, took all the best seats for 
themselves, etc. They shouldn’t be allowed to do that. The person who had been 
there for many years said no, they learn. The Russians are always like that. 
They finally have an opportunity to be dominant and take advantage of people. 
Pretty soon they will learn that they don’t have to do that here. That we share 
and try to meet the needs of everyone. And in a few months my friend said they 
fit right in and were happy.

We say diversity, diversity, diversity, and then want screen people for 
admission. I understand why — its a fear of getting a seriously pathological 
person and not be able to cope. But as long as we operate out of fear, we won’t 
have diversity.

Sharon
----
Sharon Villines, Washington DC
"Behavior is determined by the prevailing form of decision making." Gerard 
Endenburg