NVC and conflict resolution
From: Melanie G (gomelaniegogmail.com)
Date: Sat, 27 Apr 2019 05:27:23 -0700 (PDT)
I would absolutely second that the use of NVC, aka compassionate
communication could change an entire culture of a community if practiced
and explored by enough people in it.  Transforming our culture is a
movement I believe co-housing is a part of.  Ad I am thrilled to see it
being suggested here.

I'm curious how many communities already have some contact with needs based
consciousness, or NVC?  Also how many have a well thought out system for
dealing with conflict?

I'm seeking community, and am quite certain that NVC or something like it
is very high on my list of "must haves" along with an explicit system for
dealing with conflict.

thanks in advance,
melanie

On Sat, Apr 27, 2019 at 6:20 AM <cohousing-l-request [at] cohousing.org> wrote:

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>    1. Re: Help with Conflict Resolution (David Heimann)
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> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Message: 1
> Date: Fri, 26 Apr 2019 11:42:17 -0400
> From: David Heimann <heimann [at] theworld.com>
> To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
> Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Help with Conflict Resolution
> Message-ID: <Pine.SGI.4.61.1904261137180.624979 [at] shell01.TheWorld.com>
> Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII; format=flowed
>
>
> Hello,
>
>         We have been working on and using Non-Violent Communication (NVC),
> as developed by Marshall Rosenberg in his book with that title, and it's
> been working well, both for me personally and the community.
>
>         In brief, an NVC communication has four parts:
>
> o  Data (the story)
> o  Feelings
> o  Needs
> o  Requests
>
>         This is accompanied by listening, empathy, and interest in the
> other person's (or group's) situation.
>
>         All the best!
>
> Regards,
> David Heimann
> Jamaica Plain Cohousing, MA
>
>
>
> Date: Thu, 25 Apr 2019 13:03:15 -0400
> From: Karen Gimnig <gimnig [at] gmail.com>
> To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
> Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Help with Conflict Resolution
> Message-ID:
>         <CACnOa4fD39kuMDCYudD-W_0L=xLbLcuK+=
> xKuPYWHbrTgUjZOw [at] mail.gmail.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="UTF-8"
>
> I'm in agreement with what Liz and Sharon have said already, and will add
> this.
>
> In our culture blame and judgement are front and center. If the goal is
> punishment or retribution (think our justice system), that works pretty
> well.  If the goal is relationship, changes in behavior or changes in the
> impact of that behavior, replacing judgement with curiosity will take you
> much further.
>
> One of the tenants of the Imago Relationships work that I do is "It's never
> about what it's about."  Naming our actual needs is vulnerable work and
> most of us aren't good at it. Instead we speak (often to ourselves as well
> as everyone else) the things that feel safe and accepted by society, the
> things that will "win the argument", rather than the core need we really
> want addressed.
>
> Working with conflict is about shifting that trend.  For example, say
> someone has a designated parking space and someone else routinely parks
> there.  In the judgement space it is easy to declare one person wrong and
> for the other to claim that this is about breaking a rule.  But it isn't.
> The rule isn't the need, and so far we have no idea why the person is
> parking in the wrong space.  The need could be a mobility problem, or a
> phobia. People with PTSD sometimes need particular parking because parked
> cars can be a trigger.  And I'll point out here that every one of those
> needs could apply to either person in the story, and it could be that
> either person is unaware of the needs of the other.
>
> This one is simple with a fairly simplistic answer. They aren't always. It
> can take a lot of work to get to core issues and sometimes they are simply
> in conflict. And sometimes the individuals involved lack the skills or the
> safety to get there at all.  It's not always clean or easy.
>
> What I believe is reliable is that curiosity, exploration, and lots of
> listening are much more likely to result in positive changes than judgement
> and blame.  If that is hard for you, as it is for most of us, you have an
> opportunity for growth too.
>
> Because I see relational skills as a key component in working well with
> conflict, I will add this: You may need some help from someone who has
> trained in this stuff, someone who can bring the tools for increasing
> safety, self awareness and good communication.  A skilled facilitator can
> make a huge difference, even when a fully satisfactory solution isn't going
> to be found.
>
> In Community,
> Karen Gimnig
> Professional Facilitator
> 678-705-9007
> www.karengimnig.net
>
>
>
> >
> >
>
>
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