Re: NVC and conflict resolution
From: Elizabeth Magill (
Date: Mon, 29 Apr 2019 09:07:38 -0700 (PDT)
While I also doubt that a whole community will learn and use NVC
routinely, I don't think the goal is to *eliminate* conflict.

Rather, we are going to have conflict. As we have it, and after the
flash point, what can we do to keep on moving forward? Often, the
answer is for two individuals to sit down together and share how they
experienced what happened.

In that context NVC is one effective way of sharing what you felt and
what you experienced without escalating the conflict further.

Also, the people who have integrated NVC into their conversations can
use NVC to ask non-NVC folk about their experience. When, in the
effort for mediation, person B bursts out with "you made me angry" the
NVC trained person A can hear it as if they said "when A did this
thing, B felt angry" and ask perhaps "tell me more about what I did
that prompted your response" and then later "and what do you wish I
would do in the future".

I guess my point is that all cohousing solutions have to be some part
of the community deciding to make the culture better, and knowing that
the rest of the community isn't doing that, but that individuals can
change themselves, and thus change the community, even when others
aren't on board.

NVC is one effective tool for doing that.

At Mosaic we also had NVC training that didn't change lots of people's
behavior, but did add a tool to our tool box for creating the
community we want.


On Mon, Apr 29, 2019 at 11:50 AM Alan O'Hashi via Cohousing-L
<cohousing-l [at]> wrote:
> i think nvc and its ilk are good, and folks intellectually get the idea and 
> concept behind nvc, but asking an entire community - 30 to 50 people or more 
> - to integrate it into everyday life while 'on campus' is the biggest 
> challenge.
> cohousing is antithetical to what my friend and colleague, yana ludwig, calls 
> the competitive world view - winning is better than losing, clawing their way 
> to the top, rugged individualism, manipulating the system for self interested 
> purposes. cohousers shaking that view which they've had pounded into their 
> heads since grade school is a tough assignment.
> my guess, 85 to 95 percent of neighbor interactions are routine. the few 
> conflicts that happen don't provide much real world time to practice.
> we went through a truncated training - not nvc but a version of it. not 
> everyone in the community attended, and some of those who didn't were the 
> ones who are the conflict initiators, so that was counter productive. in my 
> view, it ultimately wasn't worth the few bucks we paid nor worth the time.
> in the real world, the dynamics of conflict happen when you'd least expect 
> them. gathering one's nvc wits and having to think too much about the 'steps' 
> takes too much time to respond, unless it comes naturally. thx
> alan o.
> *******************************************
> Alan O'Hashi - ECOS
> EnviroCultural Organization Systems
> Colorado 303-910-5782
> Wyoming 307-274-1910
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(The Rev. Dr.) Elizabeth Mae Magill
Pastor, Ashburnham Community Church
Minister to the Affiliates, Ecclesia Ministries

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