|Re: Follow up after Cue meeting||<– Date –> <– Thread –>|
|From: Diana Leafe Christian (dianaic.org)|
|Date: Tue, 2 Feb 2021 12:20:19 -0800 (PST)|
Hi Debi, I'm sorry, I don't know which cohousing or other kinds of communities who may have such documents on their websites. One way to find this out would be to ask in Cohousing-L. Here's the email to post there: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org Diana > On Feb 2, 2021, at 2:12 PM, Deb Kolb <kolbdk2020 [at] gmail.com> wrote: > > Thanks so much Diana. I appreciate your taking the time to respond to my > question about having a challenging person in the community as a property > owner. I will share all of this great information with Cue members. > > For our basic written guidelines for the community at large, can you suggest > other cohousing communities that have guidelines on their website that may be > helpful in crafting our communication and conflict resolution guidelines? > > Thanks again, so much! > Debi > Gainesville CoHousing > > On Mon, Feb 1, 2021 at 3:45 PM Diana Leafe Christian <diana [at] ic.org> > wrote: > Hi Debi, > > I'm sorry, it wasn't your email address. I've just been swamped with work and > your request got by me. > > Re what you described, "if a problematic situation persists and the member is > a property owner and refuses to abide by agreements and refuses to leave," a > situation like this doesn't usually resolve itself with good communication > agreements. That's because no amount of agreements, or kind of agreements, > usually affects the behavior of someone who ignores agreements. Either > ignores them because s/he thinks they're bad agreements, or for revenge or > rebellion, or because they believe they're a special, entitled person and > such agreements should not actually apply to them. > > I'm the process of writing an article series for Communities magazine on > this, "Dealing Effectively with Especially Challenging Behaviors." Forgive me > if I told you this already. I haven't finished writing the first article in > the series (or maybe I sent you the rough draft of it earlier?), but anyway > I'll share this information with you in any consultations we have. > > In the meantime, I've got some workshop handouts about communication > agreements and reducing certain kind of behaviors, attached below. > > The best conflict resolution method I know about is Restorative Circles, > which I believe is quite effective in resolving conflicts between what I'd > call "normal people," but not with someone who triggers conflict, won't abide > by agreements, and won't leave either (as their property rights protect them > from any consequences). I'm very familiar with a cohousing community who had > this problem. They resolved it to some degree by changing from classic, > traditional consensus to sociocracy. But unfortunately they didn't do > socicoracy very accurately or consistently, and also, only did it partially!, > for a while, and while things were a little better, they weren't that much > better. Finally I did a review workshop-consultation for them, and later my > colleague, John Schinnerer did another review workshop-consultation for them, > and they're now doing better. Their problem person is not on any committees > (circles) anymore, as she alienated the other people in each circle she was a > part of and they asked her to leave the circle, as there is a provision for > doing this in sociocracy. (Which is why this community chose sociocracy.) > This problem woman would also come to other circle's meetings, insist on > speaking a long time, insist on getting her way in their circle's activities, > and cause a lot of conflict and confusion. Their meetings would end in > confusion and discouragement, with nothing accomplished. > > So they came up with the 2-minute rule. Each visitor to a circle, like her or > anyone who sat in on a circle meeting, could speak for up to 2 minutes and no > more at the beginning of the meeting (they timed it with their cell phones), > and then had to stop talking. They weren't allowed to interrupt the meeting, > interject their opinions, insert their own topic on the agenda, argue with > others who were circle members when they expressed their views, and so on. > This worked, though the facilitator of each of the circles this woman would > sit in on had to be firm, kind, respond immediately to infractions, and be > consistent, like a good parent. When the facilitator caved in to her > aggression, none of these rules helped at all. > > So, in my experience, working effectively with a person who's willing to do > things like this is first, to change the governance and decision-making > method to something else that doesn't allow people to disrupt meetings > because of the checks and balances against it. And second, to actually apply > their new governance method. > > Also, doing this only helps in committee meetings and whole-group meetings. > (In sociocracy, for example, there are several different checks and balances > that help curb disruptive, aggressive, or manipulative behaviors in meetings, > like whole-group meetings, when the person is in the meeting, since all > community members, even those not in committees, can participate in > whole-community meetings.) > > But using something like sociocracy only reduces such behaviors in meetings > themselves. It doesn't help such behaviors when the person might accost > someone in the parking lot, or at a community meal or in the laundry room. > For this, the members of that cohousing community had to do something else, > which I can tell you about when we talk. > > I realize though, that the difficult person you're speaking of may not be > doing behaviors like this at all, but may be violating community agreements > about pets, parking spaces, quiet hours, or use of the Common House, and so > on. Which governance and decision-making methods don't address. > > For challenges like this, there are two things I can recommend. One is doing > petitions, described in the handout below, "Alliances, Petitions, and 'The > Three Treasures' of Community'." Another is when many different people ask > the person to please stop doing X or Y thing they do. The handout for this is > "Many Raindrops Make a Flood." Most members of most cohousing communities > wouldn't want to do these methods though, unfortunately. We can talk about > this when we talk. > > Again, if your problem person does disruptive things in meetings, it can help > a lot to learn sociocracy and try it for a while to see if the community > likes it, but this only helps with meetings. In any case, here's more > informaton about that. Our Feb 8-April 12 course filled and is closed, and > our next 10-week Sociocracy Course is scheduled for Monday evenings, May 10 - > July 12, same times, same prices ($245-$445 sliding scale), with the Early > Bird Discount of $225 per person through February 28. The registration site > isn't ready yet but will be soon. > > Thanks again for checking in, Debi, and please forgive that I missed your > previous email! > > All good wishes, > > Diana > > > >> On Jan 31, 2021, at 6:30 PM, Deb Kolb <kolbdk2020 [at] gmail.com> wrote: >> >> Hi Diana, >> I am just following up. I realize I may have confused you as I changed my >> email address. I am forwarding the email I sent last week to you. >> Thanks and hope you are well, >> Debi >> >> >> On Tue, Jan 26, 2021 at 9:20 PM Deb Kolb <kolbdk2020 [at] gmail.com> wrote: >> Hi Diana, >> Cue met and everyone was very grateful for your response and feedback. We >> are in process of of writing protocols for our Cue manual and agreements to >> address communication and conflict resolution. We have already written basic >> conflict resolution protocol. We are looking at Heartwood website at their >> guidelines and agreements. >> >> Would you have a recommendation for other communities that have written >> agreements/protocols of this sort? We are curious what communities do if a >> problematic situation persists and the member is a property owner and >> refuses to abide by agreements and refuses to leave. >> >> Our circle is open to a consult with you once we look at ways other >> communities are handling these things. >> >> Thanks again, >> Debi Kolb >
Results generated by Tiger Technologies Web hosting using MHonArc.