Re: Exclusion of a Member
From: Rob Sandelin (floriferousmsn.com)
Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2008 08:00:14 -0700 (PDT)
Once upon a time I got called in to a community to facilitate the process of
either reconciling with or helping the group remove a member who was seen by
the group as being far out of sync with everybody else to the point where
people did not to be around or work with this person. I approached it as a
sharing circle of feelings, holding a very tight facilitators grip on HOW
people communicated their feelings in order to allow for the most
constructive feedback. To everyone's surprise, including mine, the person in
question was stunned that he had alienated so many people by how he
communicated.  It was the FIRST time in his whole life anybody had ever
given him such feedback and he was open enough to realize that some of other
failed relationships in life were due to how he communicated.  His angry and
confrontational style served him in his business life, but ruined his social
relationships.  When I left, the group had made an agreement to make him
provisional based upon behavioral and communicational improvements.  About 4
years later I ran into somebody from that group and I asked about "Bill"
(Not his real name) and I heard that Bill had become a core member and was
loved by everybody.

This particular group was willing to invest a lot of time and energy (and
money to hire me) to preserve and continue a relationship to a single
member. Of course this outcome is perhaps not common and in such cases, the
disaffected person leaves.  But the lesson I learned from that experience is
that a good system of direct and honest nonjudgmental feedback can help a
great deal to improve damaged relationships.

Rob Sandelin
Sharingwood Community
Snohomish County, WA



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