RE: Request to not talk at meetings
From: TR Ruddick (truddickearthlink.net)
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 2003 15:23:03 -0700 (MST)

> Message: 1
> Date: Sun, 23 Feb 2003 13:41:07 -0700
> From: Becky Schaller <bschaller [at] theriver.com>
> This past Thursday, I wrote an email to this listserve asking if other
> communities have discussed how they might respond if a member requests
that
> the community not talk about a particular issue which they think is
personal
> and others in the community think is a community issue.
> 
> So now I'd like to know if anyone has any insights about facilitating
such a
> discussion.> Thanks,
> Becky Schaller
> Tucson, AZ  
>
****************************************************************************
> Date: Thu, 20 Feb 2003 10:46:04 -0700
> 
> Some time ago, a member asked that the community not talk about a
particular
> issue at general meetings or committee meetings.  This was an intensely
> personal issue for the family which also had community wide implications.
> After a couple months,  we finally did start talking.

Without specifics I can't respond specifically, but a few general thoughts.

First--what a toxic environment for communication!  In open communication
climates, people feel free to talk about any decent topic, they joke, they
share, they engage one another.  Here, you're in a closed
environment--there are topics one date not discuss.  It's "walking on
eggs."  It's the stage of relationship deterioration called
"circumscription" or "avoidance".

If there are aspects of the issue that are highly personal, and others that
concern the entire community, then it should be possible to try to focus a
group discussion on those community issues and leave the personal
implications off the table.  Difficult, but possible.

Why do these people feel threatened?  If you can answer that question, and
remove the reasons for the feeling, then the discussion might happen with
no need for outside help.  Can someone who the family trusts talk to them
and ask them to share their feelings on this issue?

Meanwhile, your group could examine if they're doing some of the things
that inspire closed communication climates:

--speaking in universals or talking about what others say/do/think rather
than speaking in the first person and owning opinions and actions.

--asking leading, loaded or closed questions rather than encouraging open
responses.

--inflexibility and insistence on order and artificial equality, a total
rejection of spontaneity and creativity.

--immediate judgments rather than provisional consideration.

Again, without specifics, I'm just guessing.

____  _
  |  |_)             Thomas E. "TR" Ruddick
  |  | \             Nunquam Itum Agitabilum



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