Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Cohousing Communities after move-in: A "honeymoon" phase?

[OC611NGC (normangauss]

Our community never had a "honeymoon".  From the outset, we saw people with 
expectations see their dreams dashed.  In the first year we had a major 
emotional battle between parents and non-parents on just where to build a 
children's play area.  The fight reached such intensity that it threatened 
to destroy our community.

We also saw people who exhibited desires of using the community as a vehicle 
for their dreams.  One goal was to turn the landscape into an ultra 
ecological garden, with native drought-tolerant plants dominated by 
fruit-bearing trees (an edible landscape).  A second goal was to promote 
liberal causes by using our community as a model of collective living.  A 
third goal was to have the community fully engage in "Awakening the Dreamer" 
and other "Save the Planet" themes.  A fourth theme was to wish for the 
community to have the look and feel of a Sixties-style commune.  A fifth 
goal was to use our community as a model for self-generating energy with 
solar panels and to have these panels fully visible from the street.  A 
sixth goal was to inject personal design ideas into the thinking of the 
community and have these ideas adopted and acted upon.  Some goals were 
realized, if only partially.  Others were never implemented.

Some of the people moved out in anger and frustration.  Others who stayed 
now express desires to move out.  Unless there is a meeting of the minds and 
construction of a set of goals mutually acceptable to the community, the 
expectations of the original members will continue to fester.  We have seen 
emotional upsets arise again and again, with personal desires for power 
overriding consideration for less strident people who do not have the 
fortitude to resist.

One major source of friction I have observed is a tendency of parents and 
pet owners to place wishes for their family in the forefront of their 
thinking no matter what is best for the community.  In their myopia, the 
welfare of the community is hardly visible.   What matters is their children 
and their pets, whether or not the community is agreeable to their wishes.

Changing ones thinking to "We" instead of "I" is difficult to achieve 
because it is so foreign to our habitual priorities.  But if a community is 
going to exist harmoniously, less emphasis on "I" and more on "We" is 
needed.

Norm G.


----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Douglas G. Larson" <ddhle [at] earthlink.net>
To: <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
Sent: Wednesday, October 15, 2008 00:01
Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Cohousing Communities after move-in: A "honeymoon" 
phase?


> A few thoughts on the honeymoon phase.
>
> I don't know that I would use the phrase honeymoon phase to describe our
> community after we finished build-out but I believe community life
> definitely shifted at that milestone. My experience at Songaia cohousing 
> is
> that some, if not most of us experienced exhaustion after having spent
> months or years developing and building the community. The final 10 months
> of build-out was especially intense.
>
> So we turned inward in the sense that I think we started thinking about 
> and
> experiencing what it meant to live in community with this set of folks. 
> For
> me personally, with at that time a 5-year old daughter, I immediately
> noticed that it took more clear intentionality to maintain my family's
> boundaries. With our daughter freely going from house to house, I found
> myself thinking, when is it okay for her to be at neighbor x and when 
> should
> we insist she be at home? I turned inward and needed to think about
> boundaries in ways I never needed to before.
>
> I recall that within a year or so of move-in all the parents met to see if
> they could come to a consensus on a list of guidelines for child behavior
> that they could use for all the children of the community. We discussed 
> this
> for quite a few meetings and in the end couldn't reach consensus of much 
> of
> it at all. Then, about 4, maybe 5 years later the parents were again
> discussing matters relating to the children. Not precisely the same topics
> but something similar. I don't now recall the exact topic but we reached
> consensus on it fairly quickly and easily. The difference, I believe, is
> that we had more time being with each other, more trust had been built, 
> more
> time experiencing each other's communication styles and ways of being.
>
> Yes, I think there was a turning-inward, of a type and to some degree, in
> our community. We were looking at who we were and how that fit with who 
> our
> community neighbors were. Now, at 8 years since build out, I believe we 
> are
> still looking at who we are together in some ways. Perhaps that will 
> always
> be so.
>
>
> Douglas Larson,
> Songaia Cohousing,
> Bothell, Washington
>
>
> > 1-  To me it seems that after move in there is often an exhaustion phase,
> especially if it's a community that >>>
> > worked long and hard to get itself built.  It's also the time that people
> try to figure out how to make their
> > houses the way they want them; work on establishing their back yards,
> perhaps, and so on.
>
> > 2-  After move in, there is quite a long period of (community members)
> adjusting to being each other's neighbors.  >I remember this as being a
> really tough time.
> > I think people bring their own expectations, and then reality sets in -
> which is invariably different, and requires
> > that people figure out how to get it to work for them.  In some cases they
> figure out that it doesn't and they >>
> > leave - but this usually takes time.  So, a lot of energy is being spent 
> > on
> learning and adjusting in regards to >
> > other community members, and the community as a whole.
> > This doesn't necessarily leave time and energy to do all the connecting to
> the larger community that some might >
> > have envisioned ahead of time.
> > This doesn't mean that there are no cases where these connections occur -
> I'd assume that if there is (at least) >
> > one community member who is really passionate about it, and leads the way,
> this might still happen.  That's true,
> > though, regarding all coho projects - there are millions of good ideas 
> > that
> stay in the realm of ideas.  For >
> > anything to materialize it takes someone who is ready to lead (teach,
> encourage, inspire, etc.) - and of course it
> > needs to be an idea that resonates with a number of others...
>
> > Racheli, Sonora Cohousing, Tucson.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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