Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Advice on resolving conflicts

[Tree Bressen (tree]

Hi,

I noticed that no one has replied to this person, perhaps it got 
buried amid the active consensus discussion.

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An anonymous poster wrote (via Fred):

We have an individual with whom I have trouble relating and I think other
community members do also.  We have not been successful in dealing with
this situation.  It seems like "resolutions" to specific conflicts have
not adequately dealt with emotional aspects and that people come away
harboring bad feelings about each other.  I am aware of the circle process
but we have not succeeded in using it effectively - it requires
preparation and time that we have not been able to devote to it.

Does anyone have suggestions for steps we can take?  Or for a list of
consultants that we could engage ( we would need someone local to minimize
cost but I do not want to reveal my location...)
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The list of consulants is here:  http://www.ic.org/process.php.  If 
no one on that list is suitable (for example, if there are no 
listings near your location) then i suggest asking other local groups 
(cohousing or not) for recommendations.

However, the situation as you describe it sounds problematic, and i'm 
not just talking about your designated problem person.  ANY way to 
solve this is going to take substantial time and preparation, whether 
you hire an outside facilitator or not.  If people don't have the 
energy to deal with it, then i think y'all need to acknowledge that 
you are actively choosing to live with this situation as is.  On the 
other hand, if "i don't have time" said by your members is a 
euphemism for "i feel too scared to take this on, this situation 
requires more skills than i/we have," then hiring an outside 
facilitator may help.

While i am hugely in favor of using local consultants, seeing it 
framed immediately in terms of cost, combined with the resistance to 
gathering in circle, makes me worry that your community's ongoing 
commitment to gaining the skills required to deal with situations 
like this may be lacking.  No matter how this particular situation 
turns out, in all likelihood it will not be the last time that your 
community has a tough conflict with one of its members.  The 
communities i've seen that are the happiest and healthiest are the 
ones that make a strong commitment to "learn how to fish" by gaining 
core peacemaking skills.  This may happen in a variety of ways, such 
as study groups, internal presentations by community members who have 
expertise to share, hiring outside trainers, supporting members to 
attend workshops and report back, etc.

Good luck,

--Tree


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Tree Bressen
1990 Orchard St.
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(541) 343-3855
tree [at] ic.org
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