Re: consequences in community - redux | <– Date –> <– Thread –> |
From: Gmail Lynn (ld61069![]() |
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Date: Wed, 28 Nov 2018 10:28:57 -0800 (PST) |
This is a beautiful response to the topic! Thanks for sharing it. Lynn Sent from my iPhone > On Nov 27, 2018, at 7:42 AM, Alan O'Hashi via Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] > cohousing.org> wrote: > > While I’ve heard that communities struggle with consequences for HOA rules > infractions, maybe they are unnecessary if the cultural boundaries are > established early on. Back in 2005, Rob Sandelin wrote the following note > which I thought was on the money. Do you think communities are afraid to or > uncomfortable with facing personality differences and let those conflicts > fester? On a remedial basis, have you had to come up with consequences? > > > >>> RE: consequences in community >>> From: Rob Sandelin (floriferous [at] msn.com) >>> Date: Wed, 30 Nov 2005 10:16:45 -0800 (PST) >>> In my opinion, based on 14 years of experience living in community and >>> visiting many others is there is a tragic mistake made in too many >>> cohousing groups in terms of group work endeavors. The mistake is this, >>> equality vs. happiness. I think the ultimate goal of any group context >>> should be to maximize the happiness of its members. This where rules about >>> work time tend to crash. >>> >> >> >>> I have a partner whose greatest happiness would be to spend 8 hours in the >>> community garden, weeding, tending plants, etc. She loves gardening and >>> would do it for hours and hours. If we were going to be equal about it, we >>> would need to have everybody do the same amount of hours, or cut back on >>> her hours. Neither course induces happiness. >>> >> >> >>> I have another neighbor who finds great joy in the presence and mentoring >>> of toddlers. She dotes on the them, and it is frankly wonderful for her and >>> the kids. She does not enjoy gardening at all. >>> >> >> >>> Why is it OK to force her to garden in the name of equality? This makes no >>> sense to me. She often volunteers to be with toddlers while their parents >>> do various communty tasks, such as making community dinner. She loves this >>> way to contribute. Why does it matter how many hours she contributes? She >>> does what she loves, when she can. She is very happy living here. >>> >> >> >>> My first advice is to encourage people to find what makes them happy, and >>> then give them what they need to do that thing. If that means that one >>> person is doing 8 hours in the garden while another is doing 2 hours fixing >>> bikes, its OK. Find your happiness, and follow it. Then, clean the toilet >>> now and again not to fulfill some obligation, but because you want to give >>> service to your community, and if you do it, someone else can spend their >>> time following their bliss. >>> >> >> >>> If there are important things that don't get done, bring that up to the >>> groups attention and see if they get done. If a regular and needful chore >>> does not get done, then hire it out. Forcing people to do things out of >>> some obligation, in my experience, builds resentment. In my community we >>> have random work parties, that average about once a quarter. During those >>> days we have lots of fun and we end the event with a party. At our last >>> work party I laughed more than I have in quite a bit, and a couple of >>> folks, who love to cook, made the whole group a fabulous turkey dinner. >>> >> >> >>> My second advice is to measure yourself, not anybody else. If you are doing >>> more than you want to, cut back. If you are doing less than you want to, >>> find ways to do more. If your dad died, your sister has cancer and your dog >>> has rabies, don't guilt trip yourself. Life in community is a continuum, >>> measured over several years. If the world is setup at this time against >>> your participating as much as you like, it will eventually change and you >>> can do more later. >>> >> >> >>> You also can not possibly know what are all the life factors that determine >>> your neighbors presence or absence within the context of community work. To >>> judge them, invites others judging you should your life requirements change >>> your time needs. Accept people for where they are, not where you think they >>> should be and your relationships will be better. My third and final bit >>> of advice, find a way to say I love you to your neighbors on a regular >>> basis. This is easily done as a small act of service and caring, such as a >>> ride to the airport, chicken soup for someone with a bad cold, making a >>> welcome home banner when they return from vacation. It can also be present >>> in a warm and genuine thank you. Before he died we had a neighbor who once >>> a week brought us wonderful homemade bread, simply his way to say he loved >>> us. The more of this that happens, the happier and stronger your community >>> will be. My personal choice is to live in a place where people are happy >>> and care about each other, and if the leaves don't get raked up right away, >>> well....I can live with that... Oh wait, Bruce is raking them up right >>> now.... >> >> >> >> I received an off-list note asking what an example of asset-based >> consequences might be. After thinking about it, how the 40 Development >> Assets as applied by the Search Institute could be something like this. If a >> neighbor has junk on the porch in violation of the HOA rules, rather than >> sending a letter that says, "clean up your porch or else ..." An asset-based >> approach would be as a part of community clean up day, one of the tasks is >> to spruce up porches and rather than singling the offender out, they are >> included. Maybe there is a reason why the porch is a mess, maybe no money, >> or nobody to help, in which case, other neighbors would pitch in and help. >> Rather than catching people doing something wrong, the idea is to catch >> people doing something good. >> >> >> Thx, >> >> Alan O. >> >> >> >> ******************************************* >> Alan O'Hashi - ECOS >> EnviroCultural Organization Systems >> http://www.alanohashi.com/ecos >> Colorado 303-910-5782 >> Wyoming 307-274-1910 >> Nebraska 402-327-1652 >> ******************************************* >> >> >> From: Alan O'Hashi <adoecos [at] yahoo.com> >> To: "cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org" <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> >> Sent: Monday, November 19, 2018 7:54 AM >> Subject: consequences in community - redux >> >> Greetings CoHousers - I did a quick search about consequences in community >> and there was quite a lively discussion back in 2005 - lots of war stories, >> most were interested in substance. At that time, there didn't seem to be >> much. >> >> >> >> After 11 years, we're going through our community declarations and >> agreements and are looking for some rules enforcement consequences. I think >> we figured out about how to deal with junk on porches, yelling and >> screaming, but not as firm about victimless nuisance violations, like >> unauthorized alterations to common property, or dogs off leash, or not >> participating. >> >> >> >> The draft includes consequences that aren't realistic such as kicking >> offenders out of the common house for a month, monetary fines, banishment >> from community meetings - although it could be argued that isn't really a >> punishment. >> >> >> >> Over time, we have members who blatantly violate the agreements, like >> bringing their dog into the common house, skipping their KP duty, knowing >> that nothing will be done. >> >> >> >> Since 2005, has your community come up with workable consequences such as >> those that are more asset-based than actually punitive? >> >> >> >> Thx, >> >> >> Alan O. >> >> >> >> ******************************************* >> Alan O'Hashi - ECOS >> EnviroCultural Organization Systems >> http://www.alanohashi.com/ecos >> Colorado 303-910-5782 >> Wyoming 307-274-1910 >> Nebraska 402-327-1652 >> ******************************************* >> >> > _________________________________________________________________ > Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: > http://l.cohousing.org/info > > >
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consequences in community - redux Alan O'Hashi, November 19 2018
- Re: consequences in community - redux Alan O'Hashi, November 23 2018
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Re: consequences in community - redux Alan O'Hashi, November 27 2018
- Re: consequences in community - redux Gmail Lynn, November 28 2018
- Re: consequences in community - redux Kathryn McCamant, November 28 2018
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Re: consequences in community - redux Alan O'Hashi, November 27 2018
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