Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: help with conflict resolution

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

On Apr 24, 2019, at 8:01 PM, Elizabeth Magill <pastorlizm [at] gmail.com> wrote:

> The first question I would ask about this is who wants this solved? If
> you have a community support or other conflict focused team, I would
> begin by working with the person who wants this solved.
> What are things they can do, or get help to do, that don't involve
> meeting with the other person?

I would suggest that the whole community look at how they may have contributed 
to the situation. Problems are often separate from the specific people — they 
are just the symptoms. There may be something the community is expecting 
individuals to resolve that they can’t. Situations set up conflicts and these 
two people just fell into it.

Has the community failed  to set boundaries — like defining and enforcing yard 
boundaries? Or being clear about who is responsible for some of the services 
involved in the dispute?

Been clear about pet issues? Kid issues? Toxins? Checked everyone’s assumptions 
so you are all on the same page.

If the individuals could resolve this themselves, they would have already. And 
probably would have done it  before it actually became a conflict. I’m not big 
on apologies. Unless someone truthfully feels they should have known better, 
it’s a hollow performance. It’s requiring someone to say something they don’t 
feel when honesty is the higher value.

Sharon
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Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org