Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Mediator for legal agreements in cohousing?

[Margo Solod (margosolod]

sounds like this book should be in every cohousing library

On Sun, Oct 2, 2022 at 9:18 PM Sharon Villines via Cohousing-L <
cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:

> > On Oct 2, 2022, at 10:44 PM, Frances Spector <kaukafran [at] gmail.com>
> wrote:
> >
> > My soon to be house partner and I need an attorney or legal mediator
> > familiar with cohousing to help us draw up a tenants in common agreement
> > before we move in.  Anyone to suggest?
>
> Read this book. Very detailed story of 3 women who bought a house
> together. Well-written and lots of information.
>
> > My House Our House: Living Far Better for Far Less in a Cooperative
> Household . Karen Bush, Louise Machinist, Jean McQuillan
>
> https://amzn.to/2uQgZxw
>
> This was recommended on the list a few months go. It is usually described
> as: “The story of how Karen, Louise and Jean created a successful shared
> home should encourage everyone who has playfully or seriously said, ‘When
> we retire, let’s live together.’” But it is much more. I think it is a good
> book for cohousers to read and certainly during orientation and the first
> 2-3 years. Although they had not a clue about cohousing or any other kind
> of group living they refer to senior cohousing in the preface and embarked
> on this experiment as they were retiring. Except for the complications of a
> broad range of generations, the issues are the same. This is an encouraging
> account of how they planned their adventure and worked out issues.
>
> One of the stories I enjoyed was the dishrag vs sponge in the kitchen. 2
> wanted dishrags and thought sponges grungy. I felt the opposite. They
> finally decided to let each one do as they pleased and see what happened.
> Maybe someone would be converted. Years later the kitchen sink still has
> two dishrags and a sponge.
>
> The surprise of the book is that it also includes some very helpful
> discussion topics and a quiz on whether cooperative living is for you. The
> quiz is a list of 28 multiple choice questions with possible responses.
> There are no right or wrong answers but they will spark interesting
> conversations. 3 samples:
>
> > 11.​A housemate always leaves dishes in the sink.
> > a.​You rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher, saying nothing
> because you don’t want to be pushy or hurt feelings.
> > b.​You leave the dishes alone, but don’t like it.
> > c.​You begin leaving your own stuff in the sink.
> > d.​You discuss reasonable standards of neatness.
> >
> > 14.​A housemate is leaving personal items in the shared space.
> > a.​You ask him/her to remember to take belongings to his/her personal
> space.
> > b.​You put his/her stuff in the basket for “things to be taken
> upstairs.”
> > c.​You throw the things in the trash.
> >
> > 25.​You and three other people have been living together for four
> months. You walk into the TV room and find one of your housemates cleaning
> a small gun. You are opposed to having weapons in the house, but it never
> occurred to you to discuss this topic before moving in together.
> > a.​You demand that your housemate get rid of the firearm immediately.
> > b.​You scream and go to your private space, where you stay until you are
> sure the firearm is gone.
> > c.​You tell your housemate that having firearms in the house is
> unacceptable to you, but that you want to figure out a way to accommodate
> the need for having it.
> > d.​You ask the housemate to make some agreement about where the weapon
> will be stored, so you can worry less about it.
>
> At the end there is an invitation to write your own questions based on
> things that would affect you negatively.
>
> What I like about this list and the resulting recommended answers is that
> they are not phrased in psychobabble. They aren’t influenced by the tests
> the social sciences use to assess personality. They are real situations.
> And real responses. All of us have had or seen most of these responses.
> Even the one of the person who threw things away that were repeatedly left
> in the CH.
>
> The recommended or preferred attitudes that might indicate you might like
> living in a cooperative situation are quite reasonable, but I think in a
> group of 5 only 2-3 will exhibit one of them. And it won’t be the same
> person on every topic. So don’t be discouraged if your responses are not
> all Pollyanna. These are also goals.
>
> > Did you select answers that show that you can:
> >
> > 1.​Confront problems directly, rather than ignoring them or trying to
> get back at people?
> > 2.​Discuss situations openly, honestly, and with a neutral tone?
> > 3.​Make tough decisions that respect yourself and others?
> > 4.​Accept and live with democratic decisions without resentment?
> >
> > If you can honestly answer yes, you might be a candidate for cooperative
> householding.
>
> The chapter on getting started is very good with a series of one at a time
> steps testing things such as what you want and who suitable roommates might
> be. How the finances would work. Some issues here are greater than for
> cohousing because all space except for a private room and bath are shared.
> All household expenses and shopping are shared. A list of fears that may
> need to be worked through. How to confront fears. Choosing good advisors.
> Confronting what will happen if you fail. Trusting your gut.
>
> Also includes a sample partnership agreement and list of resources.
>
> Highly recommended. I think this is a very useful tool for getting to know
> each other even when you already think you know each other. And a good
> example of very sensible ways to work things out.
>
>
> Sharon
> ----
> Sharon Villines
> Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
> http://www.takomavillage.org
>
>
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-- 
Margo Solod
Author of *Cuttyhunk: Life on the Rock, Coyote Summer and Washed Up in the
Waves*
www.summerhoodisland.blogspot.com
www.margosolod.com