Cohousing-L Mailing List: Communities magazine article series about especially challenging behaviors in community

[Diana Leafe Christian (diana]

Hello,

The first five articles of an intended eight-article series for Communities 
magazine, "Working Effectively with Especially Challenging Behaviors," are 
available in the current, Spring '23 issue and in back issues in 2021. 

The series is about behaviors in communities that can be so egregious and 
conflict-triggering that nothing seems to work — not heartfelt conversations 
and requests for change, not empathy and Nonviolent Communication, not 
community mediations, not bringing in an outside community consultant. 

The articles include real-life examples (disguised of course) from real 
communities that have suffered from these behaviors, and the often devastating 
effect on meetings, on other community members, and on community morale.

The articles are NOT about condemning, labeling, or punishing people who do 
these behaviors, but about protecting oneself from the negative effects of 
these behaviors and helping the community protect itself too, while at the same 
time (ideally) feeling empathy and compassion for the person. It is possible to 
do both — to protect oneself and one's group while also extending understanding 
and kindness to the person, though it isn't always easy.

Communities editor Chris Roth reports that some readers found the series so 
helpful they re-subscribed so as not to miss upcoming articles. People have 
emailed me too, saying how much the articles helped them.

If you know anyone in community affected by these behaviors whom you think 
might find the articles useful, the first four can be found on this Communities 
magazine webpage: https://www.gen-us.net/dlc/

I've also uploaded these and the fifth one on Google Drive: 
https://drive.google.com/drive/u/0/folders/1tE6UUfOY3lROFy8KdrtmT3_p6WQM4X2b 

The first four articles look at why communities, including cohousing, is 
especially vulnerable to this, and what individuals can do to better understand 
the causes of and negative effects of these behaviors, and six things people 
can do to protect themselves. (1) First learning all one can about this, partly 
to help us feel more compassion and understanding for the person, and partly so 
we can then (2) become more realistic and lower our expectations that the 
person will someday transform and become congenial, cooperative, and caring, 
and/or feel empathy for us and for others. (3) Set limits and boundaries on 
these behaviors in various ways in order to reduce the likelihood of  being 
negatively impacted and demoralized by the behaviors. (4) Get outside healing 
help — paradoxically for ourselves — so we become more emotionally resilient 
and less vulnerable. (5) Use what I call the "inner Ninja" technique to shield 
ourselves emotionally in face-to-face interactions, and (6) Make sure all 
communications with the person are public, with others cc'd in emails, or 
present in phone calls and in-person meetings. 

The fifth article focuses on three things groups of friends in community can do 
to protect themselves and help their community (create mutual support networks, 
alliances, and petitions), again, with real-life examples.

The sixth and seventh articles, also with real-life examples, on how whole 
communities can protect their meetings and their members by setting limits and 
boundaries on the behaviors, just as an individual would. To appear in the Fall 
'23 and (I believe) Winter '83 issues. 

The 8th and last article, intended for the Spring '24 issue, will examine what 
happens when a community wants to set limits and boundaries on these behaviors 
but cannot do so  because one or more members block any proposals about this, 
or refuse to allow such proposals in the first place. And why people do this, 
motivated by what seems like an inner urgency to to protect the people doing 
these behaviors from feeling any emotional pain themselves, no matter how much 
pain they've cause others! Catch-22. And again, what a group can do about it.

Please consider subscribing to Communities magazine for these and many other 
articles about life in community. https://www.gen-us.net/subscribe/

All good wishes,
Diana Leafe Christian