Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Romance and Sex in Cohousing

[Eric Hart (harte]

This is in reference to the message Joani posted back on December 14th
about sex and romance in cohousing communities.  I guess I'll take a stab
at this and see where I go with it.  I like to talk about all aspects of
cohousing, not just the technical stuff about kitchens and bylaws. 
        I'll start by saying that Scott Peck in his book _The Different
Drum_ (which I would highly recommend for anyone in a community) talks
about this issue.  He says that after a group of people has reached true
community there is much love in the group which can be good or bad
depending on how it is handled.  If people acknowledge that they are
experiencing feelings of love and/or romance and realize the source then
chances are it won't be acted upon.  However, if people act on these
feelings inappropriately then all hell can break loose in a hurry.  An
example of inappropriate behavior would be if married individuals started
having sexual relations with other married individuals, in what had
previously been monogamous relationships.  In other words don't confuse
you feelings of understanding and love toward the other members of the
group with serious and sexual personal relationships. 
        I think sexuality issues become further muddied and explosive when
there are children involved.  I am not married or have any children (the
two are not synonymous anymore unfortunately) but can certainly envision
what might happen when children have to be told about these issues.  If
there was a household that had a nontraditional relationship (however you
want to define that) I can see some potentially hazardous situations
arising when parents had to answer the kids questions about the people in
the household.  How would you tell a child about those people's
relationship without appearing politically incorrect or run the risk of
alienating those people?  Seems to me that parents would have to talk to
those individuals about how they should explain things to their children. 
I can't right off think of how I would explain it to a child.  Of course
some people might think non-traditional relationships were a bad influence
on their children and try to distance themselves from those people. 
        Political correctness and morality issues come up in relations
between adults.  Personally I evaluate a person on their character not
their race, sexual orientation, or whatever (to paraphrase Martin Luther
King, Jr.) so I say what I think.  I don't suppress it because a person is
of a race or group that has a history of repression or whatever.  I'm as
liberal as anyone but don't want to be stifled by the narrow minded
political correctness police.  Truly free thinking is not constrained by
fashionable trends in academia.  Consequently, what if I comment
unfavorably on a gay couples behavior?  Being a straight white male am I
instantly a heretic?  Do I have to qualify what I say or so disguise it
that I don't insult anyone?  I'm not saying everyone is politically
correct or that all people in non-traditional relationships are defensive
about it, but things like that could happen.  Even if everyone in a
community has traditional relationships, issues come up like the one
Catherine Kehl mentioned in her post of 12-14.  She has healthy
relationships with multiple partners which may set a bad example for some
people's kids.  Are people supposed to be non judgmental about others
relationships, even when they seem very far from their own?  As people in
a community become closer and live together longer, these kinds of issues
come up and an off handed remark on the relationship could create quite a
bit of conflict.  Trying to explain these type of relationships to
children can be problematic also.  Most likely the kid is getting the
message that monogamous heterosexual mom pop and the two kids type
relationships are 'normal' from the time they were born.  So naturally
they might ask questions about why this individual is very affectionate
around more than one adult. 
        I haven't lived in a community but have experience with two groups
that are forming or have formed here.  Thus I can't give specifics about
things that have gone awry but have presented questions that should be
asked when confronting these issues.  As our society acknowledges more
non-traditional relationships these sorts of issues are liable to come up
in cohousing communities more frequently.  I think that they are mostly
swept under the rug, so to speak and don't get dealt with directly.  There
is the potential for this sort of thing to result in conflict and/or bad
feelings in a community so it would be wise to address it sooner rather
than later.  

Eric Hart 
harte [at] free-net.mpls-stpaul.mn.us