Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: ROMANTICIZING COHOUSING

[Maggi Rohde (maggi]

On Wed, 20 Oct 1999, Deb Smyre wrote:
> I view polyamory as simply a lifestyle choice, not a congenital trait
> or an ethnicity, and I don't believe disapproval of a lifestyle choice
> is in the same social category as hating someone for being brown or
> gay. 

and...

> I think gay couples who are commited to a single partner for a
> long-term relationship and/or child-rearing are great neighbors.  I
> don't feel the same way about people who choose to be polyamorous.  

And RowenaHC [at] cs.com wrote:
> The second is whether adultery (let's call a spade a spade folks) is
> likely to lead to increased closeness and community.  Those of us who
> lived through the 60s/70s, when this kind of activity was given a
> liberal political gloss, will likely agree that the answer is:
> absolutely not.

  I've been reading this thread with increasing feelings of dismay.  I've
never seen a group so harshly discriminated against on this list -- and
I've been here for a couple years.  I kept restraining myself from
responding to the many negative comments I've seen here, but I feel like I
need to say something.

  First, _many_ people do consider a poly inclination to be part of their
nature, much like sexual orientation.  I am one of these people.  I don't
sleep around.  I don't break up marriages.  I simply fall in love with
more than one person at a time.  That's what polyAMORY means, folks -- sex
may or may not have anything to do with it!  And, as I hope you agree,
what people do sexually is only their business and the business of those
consenting adults they're being sexual with.

  Second, being poly doesn't reflect a person's level of promiscuity.
People can identify as poly and be in a long-term partnership, or
marriage, with one or more people.  Or they can be single, or celibate for
that matter!   Polyamory is not synonymous with "adultery" or "swinging."

  I have great dreams of living in cohousing someday with my husband.  
But from the comments I have heard on this list, I am now feeling fear of
being rejected by my neighbors because we are poly.  I'm also bisexual --
and yet I was never worried about being rejected because of that
characteristic, because I knew that people in cohousing respected people
as individuals; that nondiscrimination was a core value of cohousing.  

  What am I supposed to feel when I hear: "I don't think people like you
are good and valued neighbors."  I get a sick feeling in my stomach,
that's what.

  It's not my "lifestyle," it's my life.  It's part of my core being.  
The same is true for my sister and her two husbands, who have been
together for eleven years, and for countless others in the closet.
Including, apparently, many on this list.

  Please have more respect.

  -Maggi