Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Reality check of lofty values

[Tara Ingram (ingramta]

I have found the book, "Nonviolent Communcation: A Language of Compassion",
a very good resource for communication techniques. The group does workshops
also. The Center for NonViolent Communication at
http://www.cnvc.org/main.htm

It addresses one question you raise, how we often say "I feel..." and then
use a word that is an interpretation of the events (ie attacked) instead of
a feeling. 

I've used one technique in my close relationships where we both agree that
"I'm going to vent now" and venting is agreed to mean that we will use
language that is not that great and probably blaming and can be critizing to
unload. And that the listener will take it with a grain of salt and is
offering the other person some space to be "irrational". Sometimes you just
can't communicate well and venting can release the pressure and provide
ground for effective talking. I think you have to have the effective talking
down as a balance for venting thou. Can't be venting all the time - or at
least I wouldn't want to ;)

Tara Ingram

> 
> On 4/9/00 Robyn "Unnat" <zen [at] iinet.net.au> wrote:
> 
>> I'm happy to receive the responses privately and feedback if there seems to
>> be an enthusiastic response.
>> 
>> I'm looking for clear info / links / reality checks / resources regarding
>> commonly held definitions of values/principles/processes.  I find that some
>> good people share what I view as shallow, and sometimes self-serving,
>> assumptions that are at best totally subjective and at worst, highly
>> manipulative and covertly hostile.  I often feel as though I am walking on
>> thin precious ice; a  brittle, precarious surface that shatters easily under
>> the steps of an 'oaf' like me.  The ones that bother me most are those that
>> are deemed almost sacred.  Frustrating in a one-on-one communication, I've
>> witnessed this shallow approach confuse and reduce a group into a kangaroo
>> court with often devastating results. Note my growing, oh hell, my
>> frustrated cynicism?
> 
>> "When you ..., I feel ..."
>> The basis of clear, honest communication.
>> My reality:  owning the problem, accepting responsibility for one's own
>> part, non-blaming, goodwill, aiming for win/win.
>> What I see:  often the opposite, sealed with a tear.  eg, one of my
>> favorites, "I feel attacked ..."  Is this a feeling?  Sounds like an
>> accusation.
> 
> We are in the exciting and difficult process of creating culture.
> Obviously, our communities will function more efficiently and offer us a
> deeper level of community if we learn to share difficult things with each
> other in a non-threatening way. However, even when we do this we could
> receive a response such as "I feel attacked.." - I suppose the answer to this
> could be "When I hear you say "I feel attacked..", I feel attacked", ad
> infinitum. What is most important is to work on:  being patient with each
> other; refraining from blaming, shaming and guilt-tripping; developing
> patience (even enjoyment) for what we perceive to be each other's
> idiosyncracies; refraining from having unreal expectations of each other; and
> being compassionate and forgiving. It is also important to remember that we
> are all "works in process", that perfections in our interactions is only
> something that we can strive for.
> 
>> "unsafe"
>> What does that mean?  I am out of my comfort zone?  Or this is dangerous?
>> Or I'm a 'fraidy cat?  I mostly see it used as a oblique blame and a
>> manipulative tactic for getting one's own way.
> 
> We cannot promise safety, but we can work to create trust and sensitivity
> in order to create an atmosphere that is as safe as possible at any given
> point in our personal and collective evolutions.  Some people, even
> CoHousers, react harshly when they do not agree with what is being
> proposed/said. When living in community we become mirrors for each other.
> Sometimes the mirrors give us just the reflections we want/need, whether
> positive or negative.  Other times we are seeing our reflections through
> "fun-house" mirrors (the ones that make you look skinny/fat/etc. - the ones
> tainted by projections).  It would be ideal if we could praise each other
> more and offer criticisms in a graceful manner - something else to work on.
> 
>> "speaking one's truth"
>> I wish!  How many times have I seen hands held to hearts, eyes roll sky-ward
>> while uttering this uncontestable line.  The next second, out comes a
>> totally self-serving and irresponsible statement or even a bold faced lie!
> 
> I feel judgement and anger here.  These are personal responses that create
> divisions between us.  While it is important to be truthful with each other,
> sometimes we hurt each other with our truths, and sometimes others will not
> be able to receive our truths as truthful. While it is sometimes necessary to
> judge actions, judging people (such as "he cannot be trusted") limits that
> person to a past behavior.  It is important to allow each other the space to
> change, to evolve beyond our past limitations, and to refrain from putting
> each other in "negative boxes".  We all are susceptible to anger.  When we
> feel anger it is best to pull back, look at it and then do something to
> dispel it such as exercise or meditation.  Anger in the moment can be quite
> damaging to those who have not yet developed their capacity for forgiveness.
> Holding anger is probably more damaging to the one holding the anger than the
> one receiving it.
> 
>> "trust"
>> I trust in the go(o)dness, the ki, the ultimate mystery, whatever.
>> My reality:  In people, trust is knowing, knowing is loving, loving is
>> understanding that we are not all always trustworthy.  Trustworthiness is a
>> combination of character and competency, the mix required depends on the
>> desired result.
>> What I see:
>> Trust put out as an undisclosed expectation, eg "I trusted you and you
>> didn't come through!" - character required without agreement.
>> Or the other side of that coin is a kind of self-righteous trust that has a
>> built in failure clause.
>> eg, " Blah is going to do x-job."  "Is Blah able?"  "Trust!"  Later, "Blah
>> stuffed up but that's OK.  We won't let him/her know and we'll redo
>> x-job." - competence required without agreement.
> 
> The most important trust is to trust that our intentions are good, that we
> mean well, that if someone has an issue with us that they will communicate
> directly.  We are all capable of messing up on a job or forgetting an
> obligation.  Having unreal expectations is related to trust.  We could
> eliminate a lot of community friction if we could have more real expectations
> of each other.
> 
>> I am all ears!
>> 
>> Warmest regards
>> Robyn
> 
> Cirinjiva, a holy man from India, said:"if you wish to evolve, live in a
> diverse community."  Isn't it wonderfully curious how our imperfect selves
> can be so reactive to the imperfections of others?
> 
> Yours in community,
> 
> Michael Black
> Two Acre Wood CoHousing
>