Cohousing-L Mailing List: Where are we now?

[Dahako (Dahako]

Hi all -

I haven?t written for a while - though I do enjoy reading my daily dose of 
coho-L.  Here?s an update on where I think we are in Eno Commons.  (All 
opinions are strictly those of the author - me.)

Heading into our second year of having most of our households on site (and some 
households are heading into their third year), what have we accomplished and 
what new hurdles are in sight?

Well, according to our vision statement, we set out, or signed on, to create a 
place with a sense of community and extended family in which each member 
develops a sense of responsibility to the total group and a spirit of 
participation.   We wanted the space to be and feel safe, especially for our 
kids.  We wanted to use a collaborative decision-making process that was 
flexible, adaptable and reasonable - and we wanted to keep "business" to a 
minimum.  We wanted to achieve some shared values, but appreciate our 
differences.   On the activity side, we wanted to have regular shared dinners 
in the commons house, regular activities and cooperative ventures, shared 
childcare, and a choice of shared chores and other ways to support the 
community.  In the architecture, we wanted a balance of private and shared 
space in an aesthetically pleasing setting.  We wanted office space and guest 
rooms in the commons house.

I think we all still hold high the value of creating a sense of community.  We 
call on each other in times of need, eat together, work together.  Potential 
and actual trouble spots have emerged for us to work on.  First, we have never 
healed (as opposed to repressed or diverted) the damage we delayed dealing with 
in the press of the primary development process (from inception through 
dedication of the commons house).  Several community members hold grudges or 
bear wounds from that time that sometimes resonate through our consensus 
process (mea culpa).  When this happens, we try to "name the elephant walking 
through the room", but until each member who is involved in these tension spots 
takes the responsibility for her or his part in creating these issues, and then 
takes the initiative to own up to and work them out, I believe this damage will 
continue to flavor our interactions as a group.  I think we are functional 
without this healing, and we could have an even stronger comm!
unity with healing actively underway.

We also are beginning to try to work through how to balance the commitments due 
to particular friendships and family with our commitment to become an 
inclusive, sharing community with a sense of extended family.  Some people, 
pairings, sub-groups, simply like and trust each other more than they like and 
trust the group as a whole, or certain other members of the group.  We even 
have a couple pairings of members who will only speak to each other in business 
meetings, about community business.   Some people have begun to speak of the 
danger of cliques and splintering.  Others want to work toward reviewing old 
decisions and coming to consensus on our goals in communications, and on 
individual responsibilities to the community.

Participation can be hit or miss.  We definitely got almost everyone in 
attendance for the dedication of the commons house this summer, but it can be 
harder to get a good turn-out for work days.  Still, the meadow gets mowed 
pretty regularly.  The veggie garden produced a middling decent crop - 
especially in the spring season.  Community dinners are a dependable 
institution one or two nights a week.  On an informal basis, if a member needs 
help with something - a chore, a sick child, shopping, help finding a health 
specialist, lifting a heavy rock, money to get through a sticky spot - and asks 
other members, that member gets help.  

On the safe space thing, I think we are succeeding.  Our kids have safe, fun 
places to play independently all over the property.  Somewhere between the ages 
of 3 and 4, each child joins in the child-pack flowing from play area to play 
area.  We?ve had a few scares, with kids testing the rules, or 
miscommunications, but the Eno Commons answer to, "Where are your kids?" has 
become that cohousing standard, "Oh, around here somewhere. . ."  And there?s 
always someone around to notice and speak to any stranger on the site.  

We do have a collaborative decision making process that includes 2 business 
meetings a month, various committees, informal open-ended group discussions 
(commonly called salons) in which decisions are forbidden, and lots of daily 
casual contact around our homes.  To help renew ourselves, we?re working on our 
process again.  A fresh crop of facilitators are going off to training soon, 
and we hope they?ll bring us back new ways to run our meetings.  We do try to 
always remember we picked consensus because working toward consensus helps 
build community, not because consensus gets us to decisions efficiently.

Regular meals in the commons house- check.  After school care cooperative - 
check.  Other regular activities available for the whole community - a few.  We 
have Enoween, Thanksgiving, sock hops, a nascent yoga class, periodic work 
days, a veggie garden.  No workshop, little general landscaping, no guest 
rooms, pedway unfinished.  All these things are underway, or in the 
almost-visible future.  We have agreed on an initial financing method that 
encourages donations.  I hope more activities and interaction and amenities 
will come as more of us get settled in, complete landscaping our yards, finding 
our way around Durham, recovering financially and emotionally from the 
development phase, and turn our attention back to moving further on in this 
experiment we?ve started. 

We?re not there yet, but we are definitely on the road to our goals.

Jessie Handforth Kome
Eno Commons Cohousing
Durham, North Carolina
"Where we have a house for sale.  A single-family, detached home on a 50-ft. 
wide lot. The 1489 sq. ft. house has three bedrooms / two baths with upgrades 
of oval tub, 6-ft. tub, wood stain package, screened porch, double-door entry 
in master bedroom.  The house is available for purchase now with a move-in
date after September, 2000.   See more about it - with links to pictures - at 
www.employees.org/~enoweb."