Cohousing-L Mailing List: Dealing with the vast differences in cohousing intentions

[Rob Sandelin (floriferous]

Ah, in reading through the posts, one of the details that was given, was
that people with differing visions and expectations have joined the
community and so there is this gulf between you. In my experience, this is
very common in cohousing, and it rears its head often after move in because
you are no longer making concrete type decisions and instead  you are making
subjective decisions about how to live together, and these decisions often
strongly reflect personal expectations and values.

Here are a few ideas to bridge those gaps.

1. Organize a three hour retreat and encourage, beg and plead for everyone
to show up. Then focus your time on sharing what makes each individual
happy. Understanding others happiness really helps you understand their
perspectives and expectations. Encourage everyone to brainstorm up and list
a way to plug some of their happiness into community life. From my
experience, people who do not find something in community that brings them
joy, will eventually leave because the price of community is too high to pay
without any benefit. (the price being meetings, lack of privacy, lack of
control, etc.)

2. Make a giant list of all the things people actually do (have done) for
each other. Post this. It represents a list of reasonable expectations for
your community. Maybe somewhere on this list write: Beware of unreasonable
expectations.  I saw this sign over the door of a community center that I
visited once. I think it summarizes a key wisdom for cohousing:

I did not come here to live up to your expectations, and so I do not expect
you to live up to mine, but together, with integrity, we can live as friends
and neighbors, giving each other what we choose.

3. Create the subgroups you want to make you happy. If in a community of 50
people there are 10 who want the kind of relationship you do, then spend
your time building community with those folks, and don't sweat those that
don't show  up. Be willing to work to make what you want happen.  If you
wanted dancing, and you are disappointed because nobody has created the
dance group then its time to step up and organize it.

I once met a lady who confided in me that she was going to leave  her
community because "Nobody likes the things I do". At the retreat one of the
activities that was organized was peas in a pod, where you make a big list
of all the things you like to do, and then find others that have one or more
items on their list and you link arms with them until everybody is linked up
in some way. Afterwards, she decided to stay, having found out, for the
first time, that there were actually several people she shared interests
with and just did not know it.

4. If you insist on using consensus with a group with dissimilar values and
goals, then be willing to spend the time and energy to struggle with it.
Consensus really doesn't work well when the group does not share common
goals, nor does it work well with low levels of trust. Nor does it work well
with egocentrism, power imbalances, and competitiveness.

In my experience I would say half of all cohousing groups are using
consensus to their detriment. I have watched groups spend enormous hours of
time over simple decisions, driving away members in droves.  The truth is,
consensus does not work for some groups, and it is not a failure to vote if
your group is not realistically able to function well  using consensus.

Rob Sandelin
Community Works!




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