Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Children: Letting them work it out or micromanaging

[Rachael Shapiro (rachael]

Hi everyone-   I have lived at Ecovillage-ithaca for over 9 years and 
with  60 kids living here we have  been through  many issues about what 
it takes to feel successful to parent in cohousing.
        
	I think  a growing sense of trust and safety- (given that there are 
differences in parenting styles and personalities)- is the  key to 
feeling like parenting in cohousing is worth the added complexities.  
We talk with each other about it and if that is too difficult, we can 
get help with mediation. We  periodically have parenting support groups 
which have been helpful. These have ranged from basic "speak from the 
heart" discussions about how parenting is going to specific discussions 
about current challenges. It has been a very good place to bring your 
frustrations and work on  problem solving. I know how the extra meeting 
time can feel daunting but i think that if they are done effectively, 
they can really be helpful. It helps if there are a few "burning souls" 
that can share the focus of keeping the momentum going. Ours go in fits 
and starts.
        
	Communicating our conflicts, supervision issues,  establishing 
guidelines when needed,  and inclusion/exclusion issues seem to be up 
there with the most challenging of parenting issues.
        
	We have been very fortunate to have a husband/wife Montesorri teacher 
team that for over a year, facilitated a Kids' Council that met 1x a 
month. About 10-15 kids, ages 6-12 met,  discussed and implemented 
projects of interest ( a kids' garden, a treehouse, a bike loop, talks 
of putting up a zip line), plus worked on conflict resolution stuff and 
discussed guidelines that the kids had input into, especially as it 
related to use of common areas. It helped to establish that they have a 
voice in the community. They also learned basic meeting skills-how to 
make decisions together, facilitating and a step towards effective 
communication skills. Obviously, this was labor intensive for the 
adults.
        
	We have  a dad's support group that has met once a month for years now 
and that has been very successful.

        How to have more simplicity in cohousing life is a great topic!
        
	I am interested in the possibility of writing a book about raising 
children in cohousing and hope to share some of my thoughts about it in 
an upcoming email.
                                                Rachael
        
On Dec 13, 2005, at 9:17 AM, Shelly wrote:

> Hi:
>
> Here at Rocky Hill Cohousing, 24 of the 28 households have moved in.  
> Along with those houses came many active children.....heavy on the boy 
> side and no playscape in sight as of yet.  Common house under 
> construction..
>
> It seems that many issues have been popping up from incidents with 
> children that vary from day to day.  One day, one child feels 
> excluded....another day someone got hit with a lightsaber too hard, 
> one...a snowball, etc.
>
> The ages of  the kids paying ranges from around 5 to 11 and the 
> attitudes about how much supervision the children need outside vary 
> from "let them work it out" to "somebody needs to be supervising at 
> all times."
>
> As one who has a ten-year-old boy who runs out to play and a 
> one-year-old daughter who needs my attention inside the home, I really 
> don't have the energy or desire to pack her into a backpack carrier in 
> a snowsuit and stand outside on the path monitoring the children every 
> moment.
>
> How have other communities handled this?  The child care committee 
> wants to have monthly parenting meetings where we discuss how each 
> child is feeling and what issues have happened etc. While that sounds 
> like a good idea, I guess, I feel a little exhausted just thinking 
> about yet another meeting.  I thought this was going to SIMPLIFY my 
> life!
>
> Shelly DeMeo
> Rocky Hill Cohousing
> Northampton, MA
>
>
>
> Ne thing I am enjoying about cohousing is that there always seems to 
> be somebody outside wanting to play and my boy runs out to join the 
> action.
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