Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Seeking advice re mentally ill community member

[Dave and Diane (daveanddee]

Hi David and fellow cohousers,

I'm very sorry to hear about your family situation--this is a tough  
problem
to deal with. As someone who grew up with a mom who suffered from  
depression,
I can tell you it is not an easy problem to deal with.

Cohousing will not magically solve your problems, and possibly could  
make them
worse. If you are off having a great time at community social events,  
and
your wife is home by herself, it might end up making her even more  
depressed.
The thing about cohousing, at least as I have experienced it, is that  
no one
"pulls" you into events. You need to have the "get up and go" (which  
your
wife lacks) to either: 1) initiate the activity 2) sign up for the  
activity
3) show up for the activity and volunteer for a task

I can foresee a chain of events happening whereby you get pulled into  
all
kinds of activities because of your naturally outgoing personality  
and your
wife sits at home brooding. This is what happened with my mom. Even  
though
she was not interested in going to state forests and amusement parks  
with
dad and us kids, she resented the fact that we did, and she became  
increasingly
upset about it. It wasn't until she was prescribed medication for  
depression
that her outlook started improving. After that she became very  
involved in
her church and did very well running a table at the annual church  
fair, and
she even got a part-time job.

Although we did not live in cohousing when I was growing up, I can see
looking back that the situation would have played out very similarly,  
with
my dad ("good-time Charlie") running off to committee meetings and
social activities and mom staying home by herself.

My money is on professional help to find a way out of your situation.
I would ask the social worker what kind of medical practitioners are
available in your area that specialize in depression (not sure what  
"LD is).
After what I have seen first-hand, I am certain that depression is a  
medical
illness, not just "moping around." I hope you are able to find someone
to help you and your family. Take care, best of luck, and write again
and let us know what you found out.

--Diane(:^|
outreach facilitator
jp cohousing  617-522-2209
Box 300420 boston ma
http://www.jpcohousing.org
-  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -   
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"The people who surround you define the quality of your life."

On Thu, 5 Apr 2007, at 18:37, David Bodman wrote:

> Currently I am not a part of a co-housing community, but I'm  
> thinking of
> exploring this as a possible solution to a family situation where I  
> need
> some help.
>
> I have a special needs wife, and a special needs child. Remembering  
> the
> mantra of the Clinton administration, "It takes a village to raise  
> a child",
> I'm wondering if a co-housing situation might help our situation.
> Wife is depressed, hypertensive, has some Sensory Integration  
> problems, but
> basically has lost "get up and go", and needs to be "pulled" into
> participatory activity. Gets frustrated somewhat easily.
>
> Son is LD, perhaps ADHD, and also gets frustrated easily. He's  
> currently
> attending a residential special needs school, and will probably  
> continue
> attending for a while. Myself, I'm somewhat socially active, do some
> volunteer work and public service, but find myself overworked trying
> to provide for wife and child.
>
> We've gone through several social service options, a socail worker  
> who came
> by for 2 hours a week, but it was too little to get my wife into an  
> active
> life. Would co-housing be a help? Or should I look elsewhere??