Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Cohousing Communities after move-in: A "honeymoon" phase?

[Douglas G. Larson (ddhle]

A few thoughts on the honeymoon phase. 

I don't know that I would use the phrase honeymoon phase to describe our
community after we finished build-out but I believe community life
definitely shifted at that milestone. My experience at Songaia cohousing is
that some, if not most of us experienced exhaustion after having spent
months or years developing and building the community. The final 10 months
of build-out was especially intense.

So we turned inward in the sense that I think we started thinking about and
experiencing what it meant to live in community with this set of folks. For
me personally, with at that time a 5-year old daughter, I immediately
noticed that it took more clear intentionality to maintain my family's
boundaries. With our daughter freely going from house to house, I found
myself thinking, when is it okay for her to be at neighbor x and when should
we insist she be at home? I turned inward and needed to think about
boundaries in ways I never needed to before. 

I recall that within a year or so of move-in all the parents met to see if
they could come to a consensus on a list of guidelines for child behavior
that they could use for all the children of the community. We discussed this
for quite a few meetings and in the end couldn't reach consensus of much of
it at all. Then, about 4, maybe 5 years later the parents were again
discussing matters relating to the children. Not precisely the same topics
but something similar. I don't now recall the exact topic but we reached
consensus on it fairly quickly and easily. The difference, I believe, is
that we had more time being with each other, more trust had been built, more
time experiencing each other's communication styles and ways of being. 

Yes, I think there was a turning-inward, of a type and to some degree, in
our community. We were looking at who we were and how that fit with who our
community neighbors were. Now, at 8 years since build out, I believe we are
still looking at who we are together in some ways. Perhaps that will always
be so. 


Douglas Larson, 
Songaia Cohousing,
Bothell, Washington


>1-  To me it seems that after move in there is often an exhaustion phase,
especially if it's a community that >>>
>worked long and hard to get itself built.  It's also the time that people
try to figure out how to make their 
>houses the way they want them; work on establishing their back yards,
perhaps, and so on.

>2-  After move in, there is quite a long period of (community members)
adjusting to being each other's neighbors.  >I remember this as being a
really tough time.  
>I think people bring their own expectations, and then reality sets in -
which is invariably different, and requires 
>that people figure out how to get it to work for them.  In some cases they
figure out that it doesn't and they >>
>leave - but this usually takes time.  So, a lot of energy is being spent on
learning and adjusting in regards to >
>other community members, and the community as a whole.  
>This doesn't necessarily leave time and energy to do all the connecting to
the larger community that some might >
>have envisioned ahead of time.
>This doesn't mean that there are no cases where these connections occur -
I'd assume that if there is (at least) >
>one community member who is really passionate about it, and leads the way,
this might still happen.  That's true, 
>though, regarding all coho projects - there are millions of good ideas that
stay in the realm of ideas.  For >
>anything to materialize it takes someone who is ready to lead (teach,
encourage, inspire, etc.) - and of course it 
>needs to be an idea that resonates with a number of others...

>Racheli, Sonora Cohousing, Tucson.