Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: affordable cohousing

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

> On Feb 22, 2016, at 3:18 PM, carol collier via Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] 
> cohousing.org> wrote:
> 
> As an African-American, I become fearful of trying co-housing again when I 
> read things like this. I wonder if I have to do all the work to conform to 
> the group think, or would people be open to at least trying to understand my 
> culture ? 

For some people it is lack of familiarity, not lack of acceptance. It isn’t 
de-valuing or looking down their noses. It’s just unfamiliar and they don’t 
know how to act or what to say. Being too appreciative might be considered 
solicitous.

It’s similar to protestant and Jewish cultures. I don’t know how to behave in 
Jewish holiday meals. If I bring a dish, will it be wrong? If I don’t go will 
it be seen as rejection? Who observes Saturday Sabbath and who doesn’t? If I 
ask this person to help me carry boxes on a Saturday, will they still speak to 
me later? What can we schedule on a Saturday and what not? Yes, we can have a 
Christmas tree in the CH as long as it doesn’t include the most offensive 
elements (the creche and angels).

Is it gauche to serve buffet style? Put wine in plastic cups, or even paper? 
Expect children to be quiet and not run around the dining tables? To serve milk 
in the container in the table? The Jelly in the jar? To raise your voice (as in 
yell).

These all can cause tension. (I’ve discovered “tension” to replace “conflict” 
which people often interpret as war.) 

These are cultural differences and in cohousing people get used to them. Much 
of what is considered Soul Food in the North, I ate in the South as Food, 
having nothing to do with skin color.

I think being open about differences and preferences is the solution. 
Explaining and understanding. Talking about it relieves the tension. Is this a 
strong feeling or just what you are used to? What are the important parts? 

The tension between Jewish traditions and WASP traditions was finally relaxed 
when a native Israeli moved in. He was perfectly relaxed about his traditions, 
probably because they had never been in opposition to WASP traditions. He 
wanted a sukkah and invited everyone in — this is a celebration of the harvest, 
we eat here. He staged a fight between the Christians and Jews one Chanukah 
complete with swords, helmets, and shields. All the children were included and 
randomly assigned Jewish and Christian roles. In fact they may not have had 
roles. They just fought in a crazy melee. 

Do rounds, discussing things like what kind of food did you ate as a child. I 
grew up thinking I liked all kinds of food. Then I faced my first artichoke. 
And butter. We only ate margarine. peas, corn, cornbread, chili, cracklin’s, 
fried chicken, fried catfish (self fished), biscuits, gravy, ham and beans, 
white bread, iceberg lettuce, eggs, bacon, hash browns, and homemade pies. “If 
it ain’t fried is it food?” I had to adjust. And eat fried chicken and biscuits 
with gravy in private.

Parents have also learned to adjust to raising children differently and having 
different expectations. One child was never in public without an au pair. 
Others were allowed to roam free at 6. Eat vegan vs anything. In bed at 6:30 or 
10:30. Hours of homework vs get it done if you can. 

It takes time but it works out. Eventually.

Sharon
----
Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org