Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Division question

[Elizabeth Magill (pastorlizm]

 Opening sentence should read

I think that if a majority of the community chooses to not "take
sides" but rather to evaluate each issue individually that will go a
long way toward *avoiding* creating separate communities.

(Sheesh, can't I proofread *before* I send?)

Liz

On Sun, Aug 2, 2020 at 8:48 PM Elizabeth Magill <pastorlizm [at] gmail.com> 
wrote:
>
> I think that if a majority of the community chooses to not "take
> sides" but rather to evaluate each issue individually that will go a
> long way toward creating separate communities. Those individuals need
> also to decide that they won't "be against" the people who just can't
> help but be on a "side".
>
> The thing that happens over time is that people who seem to always be
> on the wrong "side" turn out to have depth of personality that we all
> didn't see in the early years. It's one of the things I love about
> cohousing--unlike other groups where it is easy to leave--over time
> you see strengths of the people you didn't like as much, and the
> weaknesses of the people who seemed more like yourself.
>
> So early on you want to create situations to see each other outside of
> the decision making and gossip. Sit with different people at common
> meals. Volunteer to work with different people on work days. Join a
> team or circle that is different people then you usually hang out
> with. NOTE this doesn't need (and shouldn't) be a *rule*, it is just
> something that lots of people can do in order to break down potential
> "sides".
>
> Liz Magill
> Mosaic Commons Cohousing, Berlin, MA
> www.elizabethmaemagill.com
>
> On Sun, Aug 2, 2020 at 11:41 AM fergyb2 via Cohousing-L
> <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote:
> >
> >      It seems to me that as groups rub along together after awhile trust 
> > builds as you live together and make many decisions together.  One of the 
> > advantages of a long multi year planning process is you have a chance to 
> > really get to know each other and the folks who absolutely can’t compromise 
> > and MUST have their own way get weeded out over one issue or another.  The 
> > rest learn to trust the consensus process and put the necessary time and 
> > attention in to arrive at a decision acceptable to all.  That’s not to say 
> > it’s easy.  There are always unexpected surprises that come up and must be 
> > dealt with.  Folks who are used to efficiently run business meetings can 
> > have a hard time adapting to a model where everyone needs to have a say.  
> > We run into trouble most often when we try to skip through the process too 
> > quickly and some  people feel unheard or disrespected.  That will always 
> > come back to bite you later, guaranteed.
> >      Also certain issues are predictably contentious, like Pet policies, 
> > and standards around child behavior, and how to get exactly equal amounts 
> > of community work out of everybody; what's acceptable and what’s not.  The 
> > more you talk these out and come to common values before move in the less 
> > time you will spend in meetings arguing about it later.  And then just when 
> > you think it’s all settled after 19 Years a bunch of new folks move in who 
> > weren’t around for the previous agreements and want to revisit all  those 
> > topics again.  Prepare to get a Ph.D in communication if you live in 
> > Cohousing.
> >      Finally, certain narcissistic personalities will always create drama 
> > and division in any group, cohousing is no exception.  Beware of people 
> > with a long history of dramatic break ups.  Don’t bend over backwards to 
> > keep people in the forming group who threaten to leave if they don’t get 
> > theIr way on some issue.  It’s part of the weeding out process, let them 
> > go.  Groups have dissolved after years due to the divisive nature of one or 
> > more members.  You want folks capable of being considerate of everyone’s 
> > welfare and opinion.  Even so there will always be differences of opinion 
> > but they can be worked through with care and respect.  If a new 
> > narcissistic person moves in later you would be surprised how quickly an 
> > established community will come together and resist their attempts at 
> > division because the trust has been built over time.
> >     Good luck and love,
> >      Bonnie Fergusson
> >       Swans Market Cohousing
> >       Oakland, CA
> >
> > Sent from my iPad
> >
> > > On Aug 1, 2020, at 7:46 PM, CJ Q <homeschoolvideo [at] gmail.com> wrote:
> > >
> > > Hi all!
> > >
> > > I’ve heard about conflict in Cohousing especially in newer groups where 
> > > people tend to take sides and the whole place gets divided up m. I’m 
> > > wondering what makes those type of things happen and how do communities 
> > > heal from it. you can email me off list if you prefer.
> > >
> > > Thanks,
> > > Carol
> > > homeschoolvideo [at] gmail.com
> > >
> > > Sent from my iPhone
> > > _________________________________________________________________
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> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
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> >
> >
> >
>
>
> --
> -Liz
> (The Rev. Dr.) Elizabeth Mae Magill
> Pastor, Ashburnham Community Church
> Minister to the Affiliates, Ecclesia Ministries
> www.elizabethmaemagill.com
> 508-450-0431



-- 
-Liz
(The Rev. Dr.) Elizabeth Mae Magill
Pastor, Ashburnham Community Church
Minister to the Affiliates, Ecclesia Ministries
www.elizabethmaemagill.com
508-450-0431