NVC & Sociocracy [was Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background | <– Date –> <– Thread –> |
From: Maggie McGovern (mcgroovin2000![]() |
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Date: Sun, 6 Mar 2022 19:33:47 -0800 (PST) |
Im not sure why my post didnt show as I’d written it with italics for what Sharon had written. See below so it’s more accurate. I also sent this before more current comments so it’s behind. Maggie Sent from my iPad > > Message: 1 > Date: Fri, 4 Mar 2022 18:17:19 -0800 > From: Maggie McGovern <mcgroovin2000 [at] yahoo.com> > To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org > Subject: [C-L]_ NVC & Sociocracy [was Screening prospective members > for sexual abuse in their background > Message-ID: <AF2A527F-8853-412A-B356-8E23CDE6E1A8 [at] yahoo.com> > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=utf-8 > > ? Date: Fri, 4 Mar 2022 10:22:33 -0500 > From: Sharon Villines <sharon [at] sharonvillines.com> > To: Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> > Subject: [C-L]_ NVC & Sociocracy [was Screening prospective members > for sexual abuse in their background > > “Unless we apply the same cautions that we apply in our personal lives and > develop skills at problem solving and knowing when to call in a professional, > we will just repeat the same patterns. The solution is developing people > skills and striving for understanding, not blame or correction or punishment > (?fines?).? > > ?The melding of NVC and sociocracy in Step 3 was particularly insightful. By > focusing on analyzing the ?essence,? not just the ?needs,? of the people, it > asked the question what is really going on here? It placed the conflict in > its social context which was particularly useful in the context of the the > classroom and the larger context of the school. It analyzed the social > context and the policies of the organization, not just individual needs. > > The opportunity of cohousing is that this kind of people understanding will > be developed and encouraged. > > But it means everyone has to go into cohousing expecting to spend the time to > understand each other, not to develop a process for being sure everyone is > perfect or free of any possible ?pathologies? before they can join a > developing group. “ > - quoted from Sharon’s email Then I wrote: > > I think some of these intentions are great especially when you are lucky > enough to have a group of people on board with all you mentioned. But I also > think this mindset is being blind to reality and is part of the problem. > Everyone is not necessarily going to do or want what you said in this last > paragraph. I?m curious if you really think ?everyone has to go into cohousing > expecting to spend the time to understand each other, not to develop a > process for being sure everyone is perfect or free of any possible > pathologies before they can join a developing group.?? Do all cohosting > communities you?ve seen have that make up? That sounds wonderful. Mine > didn?t, I know of others that don?t. So it?s just not reality for some. Nor > does that dream solve anything for those who don?t have that right now. > > The reality is that not all cohousing members can or will try to understand > each other as you long for. I too wish they did! But assuming everyone is > like that is going to have you ignore major issues. When you have someone who > won?t communicate, won?t meet with a professional, and continues to abuse > someone else then you need more than this. There needs to be some > accountability for those who chose actions that harm. There also needs to be > a fair way to assess harm. The assumption that all problems in cohousing can > be solved with good intentions or certain communication tools is enabling > abuse and harm. Cohousing is more prone to this in my mind than other > non-community focused HOAs because people assume the same, that all will > follow or try to follow agreements and work to understand and do conflict > resolution. Having agreements alone puts cohousing in a different category. > If a new member is given agreements and told that the community has all > agreed to those agreements that is mi > sleading when some members do not at all agree to the agreements. The fact is > some come in and don?t intend to live by the agreements or don?t realize they > can?t or won?t until they?ve lived there for a bit. I?ve seen many cohousing > members be blind to abuse because they are so attached to conflict resolution > and the written agreements even when agreements aren?t being followed and > harm is being done. At that point it?s no longer appropriate or safe to > follow the conflict resolution guidelines if they say nothing about what to > do if someone won?t follow the agreements. It?s a big hole and big assumption > to assume and act as if all follow those agreements. And cohousing > communities should be following the law. Harassment needs to be investigated > when it is asked for. Sure we all hope it doesn?t come to that, but too often > it does. > > I teach NVC (Nonviolent Communication), many beginners think NVC is > advocating to just talk and not to act. But there is a very important concept > called protective use of force. As you get deeper into NVC communities you > will find that this is a very complex thing. But it advocates for protection > when protection is needed. It acknowledges that someone can harm another. NVC > does not say to trust all humans and that all can be communicated with > safely. Deciding when protection is needed is often a cause of much conflict > within NVC circles. There is no easy fix. Harm, protection, violations are > all tricky subjects and not easy to agree on at times. But listening and > understanding does not alleviate all harm. A victim should not be asked to > listen to and understand the perpetrator. I am a huge advocate of NVC AND I?m > an advocate of reducing harm and protecting people. Ive worked with > restorative justice and trauma healing and NVC for years. None of these will > guarantee prevention of peop > le moving to cohousing and causing harm. NVC doesn?t clarify how to use > protective use of force fairly in a very biased, prejudiced, injured world. > Like everyone, NVC folks also have implicit bias and I?ve seen that play out > in cohousing in scary ways. People can use their concept of NVC in a way that > harms. I would say they aren?t actually using the essence of it but some > think they are, this includes some trainers so I think we need to be careful > abut how we use NVC and there need to be guidelines beyond NVC. > > When I share about being harassed and it not being investigated (as it > legally should be) and that the person harassing me wouldn?t communicate with > me or do mediations of any form and they have a history of targeting single > women and you seem to say to talk it out and that people should come to > cohousing wanting to develop understanding and look at their patterns, etc, > it is a form of ignoring what I said and not addressing the problem. Which > happens often when people (especially women and minorities) name harm and > this response enables the harm. > > I think some cohousing communities could protect people and themselves by > becoming more educated on violations in communities and power dynamics in > communities (both are also online courses) as well as implicit bias (lots of > courses on that). I also think having accurately written documents would help > as well as having things written and in place for when agreements are not > followed and for when violations do occur. Rules and Regulations seem like a > basic necessity but my community doesn't have them so that too should be in > place along with CC&Rs and by-laws. I also think there should be a harassment > policy and procedure (in addition to a general violations guideline). > > Another thing I thought of to help prospective members screen people and > communities (not the original topic but I don?t think we have to be so > linear) is if possible to show them some email threads from the community > email. Ours is very telling and if someone asked and it was OK?d with the > community I would share the problematic ones. I am not sure the legality of > that. HOA emails seem like they could be accessed by the public legally but I > don?t know. > > I think screening prospective members (and their housemates, partners, > friends that might chose to live there later) is very difficult, if even > possible, and thus we need to have some of the above protections in place for > when we get less than ideal ones and that?s why I mention it. > > Maggie > > > Sent from my iPhone > > > > ------------------------------ > > Message: 2 > Date: Sun, 6 Mar 2022 15:09:46 -0800 > From: Allison Tom <allisonrtom [at] gmail.com> > To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org > Subject: [C-L]_ Charging to use community facilities, especially guest > rooms > Message-ID: > <CAHdY=27jRpA5QsmaHZQFnG6H4XUNHv+YrA9vLPv9WUiOU+5uxw [at] mail.gmail.com> > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="UTF-8" > > Hello list, > > I am about to reengage with my community on the topic of charging guests > (in practice, usually hosts) a nightly fee for the use of our guest room. > > I was gobsmacked when our working group proposed charging members to use > the common house for private events and to host guests in our guest > facilities. > > For years I'd heard about how we could choose to live in smaller homes > because we had the facilities of the community at our disposal. I heard > repetitive statements such as "these facilities are an extension of our > homes." And yet the working group proposed to charge families for events > such as children's birthday parties and for guest accommodations. > > The suggestion to charge for common house use was dropped, and many members > have hosted events in our common house. But there was no uptake on my > arguments that charging for guest room use was contrary to the philosophy > of sharing resources to reduce our personal costs and our footprint. > Frankly, I don't understand how or why this one use can be separated from > all other free uses but I feel like an outsider in holding this opinion - > it's as if we aren't coming from the same world. > > The policy is up for review again and I'm looking for help. > > Please write to me personally at this address or respond to the list, as > you wish. > > IF YOUR COMMUNITY DOES CHARGE for guest rooms or other facilities, what is > the philosophy behind that charge? How do you make sense of it? (This is > not a snarky question, I genuinely don't understand, especially when I ask > for a principled reason for charging.) > > How much do you charge? Who is responsible for cleaning and prepping the > room for the next guest? Where do you live (urban, rural, high cost or > relatively low cost of living)? What is the average size of a family > unit? Do you charge for the use of other facilities such as common house, > common meeting space, workshop, bike room, kids' playroom? > > IF YOUR COMMUNITY DOES NOT CHARGE for the use of guest rooms or other > facilities, what principles guided your community away from charging? > > Then, if you will, the questions I posed for those who do charge: Who is > responsible for cleaning and prepping the room for the next guest? Where do > you live (urban, rural, high cost or relatively low cost of living)? What > is the average size of a family unit? Do you charge for the use of other > facilities such as common house, common meeting space, workshop, bike room, > kids' playroom? > > Thank you, > > Allison Tom > Driftwood Village Cohousing, North Vancouver, BC > > > ------------------------------ > > Message: 3 > Date: Mon, 7 Mar 2022 00:10:10 +0000 (UTC) > From: Bonnie Fergusson <fergyb2 [at] yahoo.com> > To: <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> > Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Charging to use community facilities, especially > guest rooms > Message-ID: <336288518.219427.1646611810959 [at] mail.yahoo.com> > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=UTF-8 > > Here at Swans Market every homeowners unit gets 3 free guest room nights a > year and after that we get charged $10 per night for family and friends?which > we pay tax on and the remainder goes to pay utility and upkeep costs of the > guest room. ?We charge more, I think it?s $20 a night for ?Community guests? > which are mostly folks from other Cohousing communities, or occasionally > others. ?We came to this policy a few years after move in?because some > households never use the guest room and others use it a lot so it seemed to > make sense to have a usage fee while still preserving some free night > options. ?We don?t charge for use of the rest of the?common house at all, > ever, partly for philosophical reasons and partly because the common House is > used so frequently by all of us it would be a pain in the butt to administer > and collect fees. ?Guest room fees are charged to the unit and Community > guests need to have a resident host who is responsible for?collecting the > money among other things. > ? ?Currently we do not allow any use of the Guest room due to the pandemic as > part of our attempt to keep the virus at bay. ?Now that the case?numbers are > dropping we may open up again sometime in the next month or so, covid > willing.Bonnie FergussonSwans Market CohousingOakland, CA > > Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPad > > > On Sunday, March 6, 2022, 3:10 PM, Allison Tom <allisonrtom [at] gmail.com> > wrote: > > Hello list, > > I am about to reengage with my community on the topic of charging guests > (in practice, usually hosts) a nightly fee for the use of our guest room. > > I was gobsmacked when our working group proposed charging members to use > the common house for private events and to host guests in our guest > facilities. > > For years I'd heard about how we could choose to live in smaller homes > because we had the facilities of the community at our disposal. I heard > repetitive statements such as "these facilities are an extension of our > homes."? And yet the working group proposed to charge families for events > such as children's birthday parties and for guest accommodations. > > The suggestion to charge for common house use was dropped, and many members > have hosted events in our common house. But there was no uptake on my > arguments that charging for guest room use was contrary to the philosophy > of sharing resources to reduce our personal costs and our footprint. > Frankly, I don't understand how or why this one use can be separated from > all other free uses but I feel like an outsider in holding this opinion - > it's as if we aren't coming from the same world. > > The policy is up for review again and I'm looking for help. > > Please write to me personally at this address or respond to the list, as > you wish. > > IF YOUR COMMUNITY DOES CHARGE for guest rooms or other facilities, what is > the philosophy behind that charge? How do you make sense of it? (This is > not a snarky question, I genuinely don't understand, especially when I ask > for a principled reason for charging.) > > How much do you charge? Who is responsible for cleaning and prepping the > room for the next guest? Where do you live (urban, rural, high cost or > relatively low cost of living)?? What is the average size of a family > unit?? Do you charge for the use of other facilities such as common house, > common meeting space, workshop, bike room, kids' playroom? > > IF YOUR COMMUNITY DOES NOT CHARGE for the use of guest rooms or other > facilities, what principles guided your community away from charging? > > Then, if you will, the questions I posed for those who do charge:? Who is > responsible for cleaning and prepping the room for the next guest? Where do > you live (urban, rural, high cost or relatively low cost of living)?? What > is the average size of a family unit?? Do you charge for the use of other > facilities such as common house, common meeting space, workshop, bike room, > kids' playroom? > > Thank you, > > Allison Tom > Driftwood Village Cohousing, North Vancouver, BC > _________________________________________________________________ > Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: > http://L.cohousing.org/info > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------ > > Message: 4 > Date: Mon, 7 Mar 2022 00:19:43 +0000 (UTC) > From: Bonnie Fergusson <fergyb2 [at] yahoo.com> > To: <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> > Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Charging to use community facilities, especially > guest rooms > Message-ID: <1764358266.273927.1646612383437 [at] mail.yahoo.com> > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=UTF-8 > > Oh, and we are very urban in an expensive area. ?We have 20 units and family > size ranges from 1 to 4 not including pets. ?Hosts are responsible for set > up, clean up, collecting money and orienting guests to our rules.Bonnie > Fergusson Swans Market Cohousing Oakland, CA? > Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPad > > > On Sunday, March 6, 2022, 4:10 PM, Bonnie Fergusson via Cohousing-L > <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote: > > Here at Swans Market every homeowners unit gets 3 free guest room nights a > year and after that we get charged $10 per night for family and friends?which > we pay tax on and the remainder goes to pay utility and upkeep costs of the > guest room. ?We charge more, I think it?s $20 a night for ?Community guests? > which are mostly folks from other Cohousing communities, or occasionally > others. ?We came to this policy a few years after move in?because some > households never use the guest room and others use it a lot so it seemed to > make sense to have a usage fee while still preserving some free night > options. ?We don?t charge for use of the rest of the?common house at all, > ever, partly for philosophical reasons and partly because the common House is > used so frequently by all of us it would be a pain in the butt to administer > and collect fees. ?Guest room fees are charged to the unit and Community > guests need to have a resident host who is responsible for?collecting the > money among other things. > ? ?Currently we do not allow any use of the Guest room due to the pandemic as > part of our attempt to keep the virus at bay. ?Now that the case?numbers are > dropping we may open up again sometime in the next month or so, covid > willing.Bonnie FergussonSwans Market CohousingOakland, CA > > Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPad > > > On Sunday, March 6, 2022, 3:10 PM, Allison Tom <allisonrtom [at] gmail.com> > wrote: > > Hello list, > > I am about to reengage with my community on the topic of charging guests > (in practice, usually hosts) a nightly fee for the use of our guest room. > > I was gobsmacked when our working group proposed charging members to use > the common house for private events and to host guests in our guest > facilities. > > For years I'd heard about how we could choose to live in smaller homes > because we had the facilities of the community at our disposal. I heard > repetitive statements such as "these facilities are an extension of our > homes."? And yet the working group proposed to charge families for events > such as children's birthday parties and for guest accommodations. > > The suggestion to charge for common house use was dropped, and many members > have hosted events in our common house. But there was no uptake on my > arguments that charging for guest room use was contrary to the philosophy > of sharing resources to reduce our personal costs and our footprint. > Frankly, I don't understand how or why this one use can be separated from > all other free uses but I feel like an outsider in holding this opinion - > it's as if we aren't coming from the same world. > > The policy is up for review again and I'm looking for help. > > Please write to me personally at this address or respond to the list, as > you wish. > > IF YOUR COMMUNITY DOES CHARGE for guest rooms or other facilities, what is > the philosophy behind that charge? How do you make sense of it? (This is > not a snarky question, I genuinely don't understand, especially when I ask > for a principled reason for charging.) > > How much do you charge? Who is responsible for cleaning and prepping the > room for the next guest? Where do you live (urban, rural, high cost or > relatively low cost of living)?? What is the average size of a family > unit?? Do you charge for the use of other facilities such as common house, > common meeting space, workshop, bike room, kids' playroom? > > IF YOUR COMMUNITY DOES NOT CHARGE for the use of guest rooms or other > facilities, what principles guided your community away from charging? > > Then, if you will, the questions I posed for those who do charge:? Who is > responsible for cleaning and prepping the room for the next guest? Where do > you live (urban, rural, high cost or relatively low cost of living)?? What > is the average size of a family unit?? Do you charge for the use of other > facilities such as common house, common meeting space, workshop, bike room, > kids' playroom? > > Thank you, > > Allison Tom > Driftwood Village Cohousing, North Vancouver, BC > _________________________________________________________________ > Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: > http://L.cohousing.org/info > > > > > > > _________________________________________________________________ > Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: > http://L.cohousing.org/info > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------ > > Message: 5 > Date: Sun, 6 Mar 2022 20:24:07 -0500 > From: Elizabeth Magill <pastorlizm [at] gmail.com> > To: Cohousing-L <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> > Cc: Bonnie Fergusson <fergyb2 [at] yahoo.com> > Subject: Re: [C-L]_ Charging to use community facilities, especially > guest rooms > Message-ID: > <CAEiam=KSzVD6aKS--=eXB0oAb+B-vbC_rUoncLdiv2=NwZH6yQ [at] mail.gmail.com> > Content-Type: text/plain; charset="UTF-8" > > We get 5 nights free per household (including affiliate households > that don't live here). We then pay a small amount for more nights (I > think it's $10?) and guests pay $20 per night. I think we have some > kind of exception that visitors from other cohousing groups pay less. > > The fact that something is *mine* doesn't mean it's cost free. For > example I "own" my house, but I still pay a fee for electricity. > Also, this is "all-of-us" choosing to charge "all-of-us." > I would agree with the previous posting that it makes up for the fast > that some of us use the room a great deal, others use it rarely. > > For example, my family had a friend lose her housing and we put her up > for almost 3 months (she moved out of the guest room if someone else > needed it.) > > It would have felt grossly unfair to use it that much if we did not > have a policy of paying for the usage. > > Interestingly, our guest rooms have gotten *more* use during covid, as > we used them for health people to get away from covid-positive family > members, and for covid-positive members to quarantine away from family > members. > > -Liz > (The Rev. Dr.) Elizabeth Mae Magill > Pastor, Ashburnham Community Church > Minister to the Affiliates, Ecclesia Ministries > www.elizabethmaemagill.com > 508-450-0431 > >> On Sun, Mar 6, 2022 at 7:10 PM Bonnie Fergusson via Cohousing-L >> <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org> wrote: >> >> Here at Swans Market every homeowners unit gets 3 free guest room nights a >> year and after that we get charged $10 per night for family and friends >> which we pay tax on and the remainder goes to pay utility and upkeep costs >> of the guest room. We charge more, I think it?s $20 a night for ?Community >> guests? which are mostly folks from other Cohousing communities, or >> occasionally others. We came to this policy a few years after move in >> because some households never use the guest room and others use it a lot so >> it seemed to make sense to have a usage fee while still preserving some free >> night options. We don?t charge for use of the rest of the common house at >> all, ever, partly for philosophical reasons and partly because the common >> House is used so frequently by all of us it would be a pain in the butt to >> administer and collect fees. Guest room fees are charged to the unit and >> Community guests need to have a resident host who is responsible for >> collecting the money among other things > . >> Currently we do not allow any use of the Guest room due to the pandemic as >> part of our attempt to keep the virus at bay. Now that the case numbers are >> dropping we may open up again sometime in the next month or so, covid >> willing.Bonnie FergussonSwans Market CohousingOakland, CA >> >> Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPad >> >> >> On Sunday, March 6, 2022, 3:10 PM, Allison Tom <allisonrtom [at] gmail.com> >> wrote: >> >> Hello list, >> >> I am about to reengage with my community on the topic of charging guests >> (in practice, usually hosts) a nightly fee for the use of our guest room. >> >> I was gobsmacked when our working group proposed charging members to use >> the common house for private events and to host guests in our guest >> facilities. >> >> For years I'd heard about how we could choose to live in smaller homes >> because we had the facilities of the community at our disposal. I heard >> repetitive statements such as "these facilities are an extension of our >> homes." And yet the working group proposed to charge families for events >> such as children's birthday parties and for guest accommodations. >> >> The suggestion to charge for common house use was dropped, and many members >> have hosted events in our common house. But there was no uptake on my >> arguments that charging for guest room use was contrary to the philosophy >> of sharing resources to reduce our personal costs and our footprint. >> Frankly, I don't understand how or why this one use can be separated from >> all other free uses but I feel like an outsider in holding this opinion - >> it's as if we aren't coming from the same world. >> >> The policy is up for review again and I'm looking for help. >> >> Please write to me personally at this address or respond to the list, as >> you wish. >> >> IF YOUR COMMUNITY DOES CHARGE for guest rooms or other facilities, what is >> the philosophy behind that charge? How do you make sense of it? (This is >> not a snarky question, I genuinely don't understand, especially when I ask >> for a principled reason for charging.) >> >> How much do you charge? Who is responsible for cleaning and prepping the >> room for the next guest? Where do you live (urban, rural, high cost or >> relatively low cost of living)? What is the average size of a family >> unit? Do you charge for the use of other facilities such as common house, >> common meeting space, workshop, bike room, kids' playroom? >> >> IF YOUR COMMUNITY DOES NOT CHARGE for the use of guest rooms or other >> facilities, what principles guided your community away from charging? >> >> Then, if you will, the questions I posed for those who do charge: Who is >> responsible for cleaning and prepping the room for the next guest? Where do >> you live (urban, rural, high cost or relatively low cost of living)? What >> is the average size of a family unit? Do you charge for the use of other >> facilities such as common house, common meeting space, workshop, bike room, >> kids' playroom? >> >> Thank you, >> >> Allison Tom >> Driftwood Village Cohousing, North Vancouver, BC >> _________________________________________________________________ >> Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: >> http://L.cohousing.org/info >> >> >> >> >> >> >> _________________________________________________________________ >> Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: >> http://L.cohousing.org/info >> >> >> > > > ------------------------------ > > Subject: Digest Footer > > _________________________________________________________________ > Cohousing-L mailing list -- Unsubscribe, archives and other info at: > http://L.cohousing.org/info > > > ------------------------------ > > End of Cohousing-L Digest, Vol 218, Issue 9 > *******************************************
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NVC & Sociocracy [was Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background Maggie McGovern, March 4 2022
- Re: NVC & Sociocracy [was Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background Sharon Villines, March 7 2022
- NVC & Sociocracy [was Screening prospective members for sexual abuse in their background Maggie McGovern, March 6 2022
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