Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Secondary tensions in a conflict situation?

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

Takoma Village developed a good system for allowing a person or household to 
maintain their privacy and avoid questioning. The household or person would 
select a person to share information — usually a close friend but could also be 
a member who had counseling skills. That person could answer questions, share 
updates, and consult on needs and preferences with the community. 

It worked very well in the cases where a person had stage 4 cancer and years of 
treatment, a person was dying, a child wanted to avoid questions, a relative of 
a resident had been implicated in a crime, a death in the household, and 
divorces in process. Sometimes the person chosen would communicate by email and 
other times in person, even going door to door to notify everyone. It was 
helpful to know that 2 other households were helping so no more help was needed.

It allowed everyone to relax and not imagine the worst or inadvertently ask a 
question that caused pain. And to be able to contribute helpfully by knowing if 
the household needed meals or preferred to be left alone.

It doesn’t work to say we care and share, but our lives are private, none of 
your business. Where does that begin and end if we are so close that we know 
immediately that something has changed and may be problematic?

One case was acutely uncomfortable for some members of the community. A 
household had decided to have a homebirth. With no notice, the unit windows 
were suddenly covered, and no one came in or out for hours and hours. The only 
way we knew that labor was in progress was that their parking space was 
occupied by the midwife’s car. Anxiety increased the longer it went on. After 
two days, everyone in the household left. Still no information shared. This was 
very hard for those who had experienced death at childbirth, of the mother or 
the infant. But no one wanted to ask questions since obviously, they preferred 
complete privacy. A simple “no problem” email would have eased everyone else's 
tensions.

Sharon
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Sharon Villines

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