Cohousing-L Mailing List: Why pets and kids are problematic issues in community

[Rob Sandelin (Floriferous]

Pets may not be an issue until 3-6 months after move in, then it hits the fan. 
Remember, you have probably never lived in such an intimate setting before, 
and you will be surprised both how delightful, and exposed that is.

 In the rest of America, if your neighbors have a problem with  dogs in their 
space, they put up a fence or call the dog catcher.  In cohousing, they can 
get directly in your face about it. You may think you have never had a 
problem, your pets are well behaved because nobody ever told you different.  
Well, nobody's ever really had a chance to before, and now they do. Yikes!

 And, in my opinion, if your community is worth anything, they will and 
should. Shirking conflict and communication about things that are problems for 
people is a sign of an unhealthy community.

This is very true of many many things, not just pets. Kids are another such 
situation. Many parents have never gotten honest feedback about their kids 
before.(and thus, their parenting)  The teachers don't do it, other parents 
don't either. Hell, even your parents won't do it. Guess what? In community, 
you will get feedback about your kids, and sometimes you will not like it.

Sometimes this feedback comes as a shock to folks and so they react 
defensively and with denial: "What?, my little _____ would NEVER do that. This 
is where the problems begin. If the group can figure out a good way to 
honestly and openly examine and communicate the problems cleanly, you will be 
way ahead of the game.

Rob Sandelin
Who for some reason seems to gets dragged into every dispute over pets and 
kids at Sharingwood. (not that MY kids would EVER do such a thing.....)