Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Strategies to deal with a difficult member?

[BIGONY (BIGONY]

Looks like your member is gaining power by staying in victim.  This can be a
tricky situation.  If you do what she wants then you are rescuing her and
when it isn't perfect for her she can blame you for it and put herself back
into the victim role.  If you blame her and attack her about always being in
victim then you become her persecutor and keep her in victim. 

The best strategy with someone who likes to be in victim is to be as neutral
as possible.  Listen to her.  Listen to her frustrations and her pain.  Be
empathetic with her.  But don't fix anything for her unless it is what the
rest of the group really wants to do.  It is also important to be asertive
with her, after having listened, without attacking her in any way.  Soon as
you become agressive and attacking she has all of the power as the victim.
 The only way to work with her is to give her power by you not rescuing or
persecuting her in any way.  If you don't rescue or persecute her she can't
be in victim and she will eventually find a more acceptable way to gain some
power in the group.

Good Luck.

Glenn Bigony
Suburban Boston Cohousing Group