Re: ROMANTICIZING COHOUSING | <– Date –> <– Thread –> |
From: Eris Weaver (eriswco.com) | |
Date: Sun, 24 Oct 1999 23:48:26 -0600 (MDT) |
Deb, first let me make clear that I am *not* picking on you but using your comments as a springboard for my own. And while I personally am not polyamorous, so much of what has been said by many people in this discussion sounds so much like the things I've had people say about my lesbianism that I feel compelled to keep moving toward greater clarity and understanding of everyone's thoughts. In an earlier post, you wrote: > >It's an alternative lifestyle that can be destructive to relationships > >in the long term, and I wouldn't choose to live in a cohousing > >community that supported it. I certainly would support your - or anyone's - right to decide what they will and won't live with in a community. I have to say, however, that I can't visualize how it might happen that a cohousing community would "officially" decide to support or NOT support it! What if a couple who is already in the community decides to open their relationship? Would you necessarily even know about it? What if you did, say they moved a third lover into their house -- would you move out? Could you legitimately expect them to move out because you don't approve of it? Many, if not most, of us would probably disapprove of someone who "cheated" on their spouse, i.e. had an affair with someone else while supposedly in a monogamous relationship. But I don't think anyone would make this grounds for moving out of a community or asking someone else to move out! This whole issue, to me, falls into the realm of "invisible filters" that Rob Sandelin brought up in a workshop he recently did for our group in Santa Rosa. Our communities may have "official" statements of who we are, what we believe, what we're looking for in new members, etc. but there are lots of "unofficial" and probably very subtle things that we may have in common that are not readily apparent to a newcomer, other than that they don't feel like they exactly fit in. For example, most of our group found the group via the Internet; thus we have an invisible filter for people who are computer literate and Internet savvy. I would walk right out of a group in which I felt any homophobic vibes; anyone who comes to one of our meetings will immediately know that I'm a lesbian, and if they can't handle that they're outta here. No "official" statements necessary. I doubt most people in polyamourous relationships announce it at meetings, but there are probably subtle (and not-so-subtle) cues that allow people to figure out who's gonna be o.k. and who's not, and choose who they hang with accordingly. ***************************************************** Eris Weaver eris [at] wco.com "Let the beauty we love be what we do." ---Mevlana Jelaladin Rumi
- Re: ROMANTICIZING COHOUSING, (continued)
- Re: ROMANTICIZING COHOUSING Deb Smyre, October 22 1999
- Re: ROMANTICIZING COHOUSING Unnat, October 24 1999
- Re: ROMANTICIZING COHOUSING paul kilduff, October 24 1999
- Re: ROMANTICIZING COHOUSING Deb Smyre, October 24 1999
- Re: ROMANTICIZING COHOUSING Eris Weaver, October 24 1999
- Re: ROMANTICIZING COHOUSING Deb Smyre, October 25 1999
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