Re: ROMANTICIZING COHOUSING
From: Eris Weaver (eriswco.com)
Date: Sun, 24 Oct 1999 23:48:26 -0600 (MDT)
Deb, first let me make clear that I am *not* picking on you but using your
comments as a springboard for my own.  And while I personally am not
polyamorous, so much of what has been said by many people in this discussion
sounds so much like the things I've had people say about my lesbianism that
I feel compelled to keep moving toward greater clarity and understanding of
everyone's thoughts.

In an earlier post, you wrote:

> >It's an alternative lifestyle that can be destructive to relationships
> >in the long term, and I wouldn't choose to live in a cohousing
> >community that supported it.

I certainly would support your - or anyone's - right to decide what they
will and won't live with in a community. I have to say, however, that I
can't visualize how it might happen that a cohousing community would
"officially" decide to support or NOT support it!  What if a couple who is
already in the community decides to open their relationship?  Would you
necessarily even know about it?  What if you did, say they moved a third
lover into their house -- would you move out?  Could you legitimately expect
them to move out because you don't approve of it?

Many, if not most, of us would probably disapprove of someone who "cheated"
on their spouse, i.e. had an affair with someone else while supposedly in a
monogamous relationship.  But I don't think anyone would make this grounds
for moving out of a community or asking someone else to move out!

This whole issue, to me, falls into the realm of "invisible filters" that
Rob Sandelin brought up in a workshop he recently did for our group in Santa
Rosa.  Our communities  may have "official" statements of who we are, what
we believe, what we're looking for in new members, etc. but there are lots
of "unofficial" and probably very subtle things that we may have in common
that are not readily apparent to a newcomer, other than that they don't feel
like they exactly fit in.  For example, most of our group found the group
via the Internet; thus we have an invisible filter for people who are
computer literate and Internet savvy.  I would walk right out of a group in
which I felt any homophobic vibes; anyone who comes to one of our meetings
will immediately know that I'm a lesbian, and if they can't handle that
they're outta here. No "official" statements necessary.   I doubt most
people in polyamourous relationships announce it at meetings, but there are
probably subtle (and not-so-subtle) cues that allow people to figure out
who's gonna be o.k. and who's not, and choose who they hang with
accordingly.

*****************************************************
Eris Weaver                            eris [at] wco.com
"Let the beauty we love be what we do."
                         ---Mevlana Jelaladin Rumi

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