Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Boundary theory

[Hans Tilstra (hanstilstra]

> Where are the boundaries? Can a group be a group with no boundaries?

Cohousing is conceptually interesting in its staging of boundaries.
- the private home,
- the private backyard looking out to the wider community,
- the semi-private front porch looking out to the cohousing neighbourhood,
- the shared but owned inner courtyard,
- the shared but partly owned common house.

This design clearly enables greater choice than conventional housing
solutions.

Setting boundaries helps define the community, distinguish the group from
the surrounding community.

What am I talking about? Straight from Charles Whitfield's (1993)
"Boundaries and Relationships",
this questionnaire.

Score for yourself from Never, Seldom, Occassionally, Often & Usually.

Typically Me

I can't make up my mind
I have difficulty saying "no" to people
I feel as if my happiness depends on other people
It's hard for me to look a person in the eyes
I find myself getting involved with people who end up hurting me
I trust others
I would rather attend to others than attend to myself
Other's opinions are more important than mine
People take or use my things without asking me
I have difficulty asking for what I want or what I need
I lend people money and don't seem to get it back on time
Some people I lend money don't ever pay me back
I would rather go along with another person or other people rather than
express what I'd really like to do
I feel bad for being so "different" from other people
I feel anxious, scared or afraid
I spend my time and energy helping others so much that I neglect my own
wants and needs
It's hard for me to know what I believe and what I think
I feel as if my happiness depends on circumstances outside of me
I have a hard time knowing what I really feel
I find myself getting involved with people who end up being bad for me
It's hard for me to make decisions
I get angry
I don't get to spend much time alone
I tend to take on the moods of people close to me
I have a hard time keeping a confidence or secret
I am overly sensitive to criticism
I feel hurt
I tend to stay in relationships that are hurting me
I feel an emptiness, as if something is missing in my life
I tend to get caught up "in the middle" of other people's problems
When someone I'm with acts up in public, I tend to feel embarrassed
I feel sad
I prefer to rely on what others say about what I should believe and do about
religious or spiritual matters
I tend to take on or feel what others are feeling
I put more into relationships than I get out of them
My friends or acquaintances have a hard time keeping secrets or confidences
which I tell them

If many of these examples score "usually or often", than the boundary is
blurred or fused.\
If many of the examples score "never", than you might not be aware of
boundaries.
Scoring occassionally or seldom is considered healthy.