Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Takoma Village Has a Clean Commonhouse!

[Elizabeth Stevenson (tamgoddess]

This problem, the dilemma of how we are/how people see us, is the most
vexing one for me, living in cohousing.

Having lived here for 8 years now, I can look back on myself and see how
much I've grown. After all, I had a long way to go! After I had been here
for awhile, I started to realize that there was a consistency in what people
were percieving about me. It doesn't mean that that is what I meant, or who
I was. So I set about trying to really listen to what people were saying,
and to try to put aside my feelings of hurt when they got in the way of my
understanding, so that I could show people the true me. I have gained some
ability to monitor my behavior, to see myself from other's points of view,
and also to not judge others as harshly as I once did. Too many times I have
judged someone, only to end up doing the exact same thing, or be proven
wrong.

It doesn't mean I'm perfect, of course. I'm much the same person, after all.
But here's the thing that bothers me now: in the same way as in traditional
families, people still think of me as the person who came here 8 years ago.
I realized this when someone at a common meal was joking with me, and
labelled me something (negative) that a new resident said didn't describe me
at all. I was glad to see that my behavior had changed in a positive
direction, but sad that my long-time neighbors had never noticed it. I was
very hurt. In the way that families do, we have pidgeonholed each other in
roles that don't necessarily fit us anymore.

It just occurred to me that this would be a great topic for our yearly "Big
Meeting". I'm on the committee; I'll be talking about this some more with my
fellow committee members.


-- 
Liz Stevenson
Southside Park Cohousing
Sacramento California

http://members.home.net/southsideparkcohousing/
tamgoddess [at] home.com

> From: "Michael D" <ohanamd [at] earthlink.net>
> Reply-To: cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org
> Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2001 13:10:12 -0700
> To: <cohousing-l [at] cohousing.org>
> Subject: Re: [C-L]_Takoma Village Has a Clean Commonhouse!
> 
>> My style is to make suggestions and to educate
> 
> I realize that I'm not following my own suggestion right now, and I think
> that, especially in person, it's a good idea to always ask people if they
> want a suggestion or to learn something before you give it to them.  If they
> don't want it, then consider if it's really important anyway (for safety, to
> prevent damage, or something like that).  If so, be willing to accept the
> consequences of being thought of as controlling or whatever, even if what
> you're saying is for the best.
> 
> Remember that most people will hear what you say through the filters of
> their childhoods.  When the kind of thing you're describing happens in a
> community, I think a community therapist is extremely helpful.
> 
> And, as don Miguel Ruiz teaches, don't take anything personally.  There may
> be some valuable information in what people say, but don't take it as truth
> about who you are.
> 
> Namaste,
> Michael
> Heart Song Community
> Santa Fe, NM
> ohanamd [at] earthlink.net

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