Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: Individual versus group needs and wants

[Tree Bressen (tree]

Dear "Mary,"

>I love the theory and philosophy of consensus.  Everyone is heard, all
>opinions are respected etc., etc.,  However........
>
>How about a group member who sounds like a broken record - same thing over
>and over again.  Things are complicated by the member not having a terrific
>memory for facts, resorting to hyperbolic language and often being out of
>the information loop  (not on e-mail) by choice.  I'm sure someone will tell
>me that the reason this is continuing to happen must be because the person
>obviously has not REALLY been heard, not listened to with respect etc.,
>
>How about the person who knows they have been heard when the group does as
>they say, and until the group does the particular action or makes a certain
>decision they will continue to go on ad nauseum.  I.e "I know I have been
>heard when the group does what I ask".  What do you do then?
>
>Add to that new members who have not heard the cry before and when they see
>a member in this state immediately want to fix things for the person.
>
>Add this to the already challenging, risky, exhausting, time consuming and
>stressful development stage and you've got a perfect recipe for head
>banging.

It does sound like a really frustrating situation!

Have you had a direct (yet compassionate) conversation with the individual
about it?  

In particular, have you talked about the difference between hearing someone
and agreeing with them, and asked the person what it would take besides
agreement for them to feel heard?  I mean getting something measurable and
specific, like "I know i've been heard when you can paraphrase what i said
back to me" or "when it's written on the list of ideas" or something else
that works for them.  Perhaps you can use an example of a time when that
person was in the other role, the role of hearing someone but not agreeing
with them, to demonstrate?

Have you asked them what would work for them that they think would also
meet the other needs that have been expressed (and which you might need to
have handy on a list on a flip chart for the person to look at, especially
if their memory isn't solid)?

Another suggestion is to talk things over with the person ahead of time,
let them know what proposals are coming up and how they might turn out so
the person can get used to the idea for a while before participating in a
meeting about it.  Harder during the rush of development, i know, and it's
frustrating when you'd rather they just read email like others, but still
it might be worth trying.  

Hope some of those ideas help, 

--Tree



-----------------------------------------------

Tree Bressen
1680 Walnut St.
Eugene, OR 97403
(541) 484-1156
tree [at] ic.org
http://www.treegroup.info
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