Cohousing-L Mailing List: Re: improving group dynamics?

[Sharon Villines (sharon]

On Nov 21, 2003, at 3:16 PM, Elaine wrote:
> Thanks sharon! I love the idea of finding out where everyone is coming 
> from
> and what they thought cohousing would be when the moved in. maybe we 
> can do
> something with that. we also don't get enough opportunities for 
> exploring
> through talking. Usually talking is business related. Do you have 
> ideas for
> doing more talking as a group (that wouldn't make the group roll its 
> eyes)?

Our group rolls their eyes too. I've been totally unsuccessful in 
getting people to talk about things like this on any kind of planned 
way. What I have done is to analyze people's activities and extrapolate 
possible references. This seems to help because I can then use examples 
when I talk about the commonhouse that references their possible 
interests.

In DC for example there are many many places where one can hold 
political meetings so it isn't necessary that they be held in the 
commonhouse. In a small town that might not be true. Some communities 
have said that their commonhouse is the only community meeting space 
available and they have become the community resource. But knowing that 
some of our members had the idea that the commonhouse would be a nicer 
or more convenient political organizing place made it clear to me why 
they didn't understand when I objected to an 18 inch high maximum 
occupancy signs in the dining room. To them it made the room more 
"usable" and it felt like "home". To me that felt less like home and 
much less usable. I now ask, "Is this some thing you would do in your 
dining room at home?" emphasizing that I consider the commonhouse to be 
a private residential space rather than a public space to be rented 
out, however good the cause.

We have a Friday night pizza "tradition" that works very well. One 
person (me) orders pizza at 5:30 for delivery at 6:30. People drop in 
-- no sign up -- and pay $2 a slice for pizza and soft-drinks. In 
January I'm trying to have a talk show segment where someone interviews 
residents. We have been "in" for three years now and several of my 
paintings grace the walls of the commonhouse. Last week a person with 
whom I serve on several teams and talk to a fair amount "discovered" 
that I was an artist and had actually painted the paintings. Three 
years! I"m sure there are many things I don't know about others.

So a long way round of saying I do it on an individual basis as best I 
can. The group as a whole just doesn't have time for it. They just 
won't sit still. And if you think about it, this kind of thing has 
always been done individually -- usually by women. The wife who 
arranges the dinner party for her husband's colleagues or the 
grandmother who settles family disputes and keeps order during the 
holidays. The mother who sees to that all the children's needs are met. 
Family dinners.

There are very good traditional models out there but expecting everyone 
to sit down in a circle and talk is not likely to work except in very 
small groups of people who have chosen to do that.

Sharon
-----
Sharon Villines
Takoma Village Cohousing, Washington DC
http://www.takomavillage.org

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